Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as adults who commit crimes. To What’s extent do you agree or disagree

Question

Please help me to fix this essay, i'm gonna have an Ielts exam in April and I don't know how to make progressIt is argued that the juvenile criminals should receive the same punishments as adults. While I accept that young offenders should be sentenced, I believe there is no need to impose them on a term of imprisonment like adults.On the one hand, punishment is necessary for everyone, the youth is no exception, for some reasons. Firstly, it is of paramount importance to protect sanitation in every nation. For example, if children are not punished, they will mimic violent behaviours to show their personalities. In addition, they also may become a tool for crime institution utilize. Secondly, rehabilitating young troublemakers may enhance national economic development. The reason is that because youngsters are the main labour resource in each country, directing them to follow ethical standards may help gain their work performance.On the other hand, I disagree that youngsters committing crimes should be treated at the same level as adults found guilty. One reason is that the offence of young people stems from their immature mind, which makes them be more affected by others. For example, some teenagers are motivated by other lawbreakers, so they turn to crimes such as drug trafficking, robbing, or gambling. Furthermore, being tough on crimes may demolish their social lives. For instance, the young people would find difficult to reintegrate back into community. As a result, they could not get a well-paid job to meet the basic human needs.In conclusion, although I agree that young offenders should be treated for some reasons, I contend that they should be punished similarly as adult criminals

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Please do not put the essay instructions in the "Subject" line. Put it with your answer in the message body.

Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same (missing word) as adults who commit crimes. To What’s extent do you agree or disagree (missing punctuation)

You have incorrectly interchanged the words children, youngsters, teenagers and juveniles for "young people" (in the topic question.) All of these have overlapping meanings. Do not use synonyms which have different shades of meaning in an essay. Be very explicit. To avoid repetition, define the terms you use in the first paragraph and use pronouns.

e.g. At what age should someone be considered to be an adult in the criminal justice system? I completely disagree that people younger than eighteen should be given the same punishments as adults. Depending on the severity of the crime, they should be given only a strong warning, be required to do community service work, or be put in a rehabilitation facility.

The conclusion in your last paragraph completely contradicts your thesis in the first paragraph. That will lower your score.

It is argued that the juvenile criminals should receive the same punishments as adults. While I accept that young offenders should be sentenced, I believe there is no need to impose them on a term of imprisonment (incorrect word order. ) like adults.

On the one hand, punishment is necessary for everyone, (comma splice error. Read this: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/engagement/2/1/34/ ) the youth is no exception, ~~for some reasons~~. First, it is of paramount importance to protect sanitation (off-topic? wrong word?) in every nation. For example, if children are not punished, they will mimic violent behaviours to show their personalities. (I do not understand your point here. ) In addition, they also may become a tool for crime institution utilize. (wrong grammar) Second, rehabilitating young troublemakers may enhance national economic development. The reason is that because youngsters (In the US, "youngsters" refers to someone between the ages of 6 and 12. Should 6-year-old children be put in prison with adults? Do 7-year-old children work in the factories?) are the main labour resource in each country, directing them to follow ethical standards may help gain (wrong word) their work performance.

On the other hand, I disagree that youngsters committing crimes should be treated the same way ~~at the same level~~ as adults (missing words) found guilty. One reason is that the offence of young people stems from their immature mind, which makes them be more affected by others. For example, some teenagers are motivated by other lawbreakers, so they turn to crimes such as drug trafficking, robbing, or gambling. Furthermore, being tough on crimes may demolish their social lives. For instance, the young people would find (missing word) difficult to reintegrate back into (missing word) community. As a result, they could not get a well-paid job to meet the basic human needs.

In conclusion, although I agree that young offenders should be treated (wrong word) for some reasons, (vague) I contend that they should be punished similarly as adult criminals (missing punctuation)

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same as adults who commit crimes. To What’s extent do you agree or disagree

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