Writting task for IELTS

Question

Hello teacher, can you please check this paragraph please? Thank you so much.

Task 2: University should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.

According to the topic: University should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. In my opinion, it has a lot of reasons to agree and disagree with this thesis.

Firstly, I want to mention the balance of idea in studying process. As you can see, in gender, woman and man have lots of discrepancy in ideas. Because of the conception, vision, … that leads to this problem. If university accepted equal numbers of male and female students in every subject, the balance of idea would be set up, many angles would be improved, such as education, social, commercial ,… That’s why I agree with the following statement.

Secondly, some subjects are not suitable for woman. It is not because of the gender equality, the main reason is the differences between male and female’s bodies. They have different body’s structure, strength, limitation, … So that I disagree with this thesis.

Nowadays, virtually universities on the world allow students to choose the subjects. That means every student can select and register the subjects which are suitable for their hobbies, their jobs in the future. I believe that they could make a right decision, be responsible for their life, fairness and equality in every angle.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The topic is not good English. Are you sure it is right?

Task 2: Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. (Where are the rest of the instructions?)

(Your essay is a good beginning. But you need to study and practice a lot more to get a good score. The introduction is weak. )

According to the topic: University should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. In my opinion, it (What is "it"? ) has a lot of reasons to agree and disagree with this thesis.

~~Firstly~~, First, I want to mention the balance of idea (I don't know what this means. It is not good English.) in studying process. As you can see, in gender, woman and man have lots of discrepancy in ideas. Because of the conception, vision, … (Three dots (...) is not good for essays. Don't use "..." or "etc." or "and so on".) that leads to this problem. (What is the problem?) If university accepted equal numbers of male and female students in every subject, the balance of idea (I don't know what this means. It is not good English.) would be set up, many angles (Wrong word) would be improved, such as education, social, commercial ,… That’s why I agree with the following statement. (There is no following statement.)

Second, some subjects are not suitable for woman. (wrong form) It is not because of the gender equality, the main reason is the differences between male and female’s bodies. They have different body’s (wrong form) structure, strength, limitation, … So that I disagree with this thesis.

Nowadays, virtually universities (What is a virtually university? This is bad English.) on in the world allow students to choose the subjects. That means every student can select and register the subjects which are suitable for their hobbies and their jobs in the future. I believe that they could make a right decision, be responsible for their life, fairness and equality in every angle. (Wrong word)

Writting task for IELTS

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