Writting task 1, Cam 12. Please help me to check it. Thank you.

Question

The given bar chart illustrated amount of Australian male and female who did exercise frequently from 15 to over 65 years old in the year of 2010.

Overall, it could be seen that female did exercise more than male in most age groups, especially in from 35 to 64 age groups.

In 15 to 24 age group, the rate of men was higher than women, it counted 52,8 per cent for male in comparison with only 57,7 per cent for female. However, the figures for men dropped dramatically and hit the lowest pointed of only 39,5 per cent while the proportion of women increased gradually in these age groups.

Furthermore, the percentage of female reached a peak at 53,3 per cent in comparison with only 43,1 per cent for male. In contrast, after dropping rapidly in from 15 to 44 years old groups, the figures for men rose slightly from just 43,1 per cent to 46,7 per cent. In the other hand, the amount of women fell moderately from 53,3 per cent to 47,7 per cent in from 65 and over years old group, and the percentage for both male and female was the same roughly in the final group.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You need to review how to use the plural form in English. You make so many mistakes of using singular words when you should use plural words.

Also, male and female are not the same as man and woman. A female can be 3 years old. A three-year-old female is not a woman. So you have to be very careful how you use these synonyms because they do not mean exactly the same thing. Do not use names of measures that are not on the graph.

It is best not to paraphrase in Task 1. That is a good technique for Task 2. Task 1 needs accuracy and precision.

The ~~given~~ (It is unnatural to use "given" as a pre-modifier (adjective).) bar chart illustrated (wrong tense) amount (wrong word) of Australian male and female (wrong form) who did exercise frequently from 15 to over 65 years old (Is that when they did their exercises? This phrase does not modify "exercise." It is in the wrong position.) in the year of 2010.

Overall, it could be seen that female did exercise more than male in most age groups, especially in from (wrong phrasing) 35 to 64 age groups.

In 15 to 24 age group, the rate (wrong word. There are no rates on the chart) of men was higher than women, (comma splice error) it counted (wrong word) 52,8 per cent for male in comparison with only 57,7 per cent for female. However, the figures (wrong word) for men dropped dramatically and hit the lowest pointed (wrong form. pointed is the past tense of the verb "point") of only 39,5 per cent while the proportion of women increased gradually in these age groups. (What age groups are you talking about?)

Furthermore, the percentage of female reached a peak at 53,3 per cent in comparison with only 43,1 per cent for male. In contrast, after dropping rapidly in from 15 to 44 years old groups, the figures (wrong word) for men rose slightly from just 43,1 per cent to 46,7 per cent. In the other hand, the amount (wrong word) of women fell moderately from 53,3 per cent to 47,7 per cent in from 65 and over years old group, and the percentage for both male and female was the same roughly (wrong position) in the final group.

Here is a model essay for you to study.

Paragraph 1. Describe the figure or figures. What kind of figure is it? What kind of information does it show? You can write more than one sentence! One sentence is often inadequate.

Paragraph 2. This paragraph gives an overview of the data and the most important observations. Do not write opinions or conclusions.

Paragraph 3. This paragraph gives more detail and comparisons.

Paragraph 1:

The bar chart compares the percentages of Australian men versus women who did regular physical activity, divided into six age groups. The data is from one year, 2010. The six age groups are: 15 to 24, 25 to 34, 35 to 44, 45 to 54, 55 to 64 and over 64. The data values ranged between 39% and 53%.

Paragraph 2:

Except for the youngest age group, more women than men participated in regular exercise. The gender gap was highest in the middle age groups, about a 12% gap for the 35-to-44 year olds, and 10% for the next higher age group. This gap was narrowest (less than 1%) in the 65-and-over age group, about 47% for both sexes.

Paragraph 3:

The data shows distinct age-dependent patterns, rather than random variations. For men, the percentage was highest, nearly 53%, for the youngest age group. It declined to a low of about 40% for the 35-to-44 year olds, and then increased again to 47% in the oldest age group. For women, the data was more consistent; there was less variation. In the youngest age group, about 47% did regular exercise. This rose slightly (about 5%) to 52-53 percent in the middle age groups (35 to 64), and then declined to about 47% in the oldest age group.

Writting task 1, Cam 12. Please help me to check it. Thank you.

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions