[Writting IELTS task 2] Please help me on my essay!

Topic

Government should spend more money on education than on recreation and sport. Do you agree or disagree?

My essay

It is often argued that the government ought to supply more funds on education rather than entertainment and physical activities. However, I completely disagree with this opinion and think that politicians should raise more money for both of these sides.

On the one hand, it cannot deny that academic achievement plays an essential role in our life. For instance, most universities will choose their candidates based on the results which they had gained in high school. As the recruitments do not have enough time for judging all the individuals. Moreover, education contributes to people's knowledge. It will enhance each person knowing in different fields. The more awareness you earn, the more chances you will earn. For example the higher position in companies or higher grades at school. Besides, good education will make people feel more confident to communicate with other people because of the widening knowledge in your head.

On the other hand, although education gives individuals a huge value benefits, I also think that the government should incorporate education into physical activities and enjoyment. Firstly, sports and recreation take advantage of physical and mental health. Students who usually do exercises will feel stronger and healthier. In this sense, sports make people relax after hard-working periods. They will have opportunities to approach to environment and open spaces, which makes workers feel more comfortable than a narrow space at school or company. In other words, naturally promotes human effective energy. The original atmosphere can help people develop their creativity. It is also the reason why companies frequently organize outside activities for their employees and most schools have physical subjects in students' schedules.

In conclusion, education is the main key to help people reach success. However, sports and entertainment are also important things to contribute to this invaluable process.