Writing task1 : The online shopping sales. Please help me!!!

Question

The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Write at least 150 words.

The two pie charts compare four major items in Canada in terms of the proportion of their internet-based sales between 2005 and 2010.

Overall, the percentages of Electronics and Appliance and Food and beverage collectively were the highest figures in two years. While the proportions for Food and beverage and Video games increased, the figures for the two remaining sectors fell.

In 2005, the proportion for Electronics and Appliance stood at 35% of the total and then this figure declined 5% by 2010. A similar trend was seen in Home furnishings, whose percentage decreased by 10% from a quarter of the total figure in 2005.

Other categories followed different patterns in percentages between 2005 and 2010. The proportion of Food and beverage and Video games rose 10% to 32%, which was the highest figure for retail items in 2010. There was also an increase of 5% in Video games, which saw a rise from 18% to 32% in five years later.

Perfume56 · Accepted Answer

Please help me check my grammar is right or not? Are my sentences clear enough? Thank you a lot

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The two pie charts compare four major items (wrong word. An item is a specific thing, like a LaCosta white T-shirt, size large.) in Canada in terms of the proportion of their internet-based sales between 2005 and 2010.

Your paragraph is not complete. What are the categories?

"Between 2005 and 2010" means 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 ..."

It is not a good description. Here are examples:

The two pie charts, one for 2005 and one for 2010, show the proportions of online retail sales in four different categories: Electronics and Appliances, Food and beverage, Home furnishings and video games.

The pie charts compare the relative proportions of online sales in 2005 with those in 2010. Four categories are shown ...

The pie charts break down the relative proportions of online sales into four categories: Electronics and Appliances, Food and beverage, Home furnishings and video games. The two pie charts allow a comparison of the changes between two specific years: 2005 and 2010.

Overall, the percentages of Electronics and Appliance and Food and beverage collectively were the highest ~~figures~~ in two years. While the proportions for Food and beverage and Video games increased, ~~the figures~~ those for the two remaining sectors fell.

In 2005, the proportion for Electronics and Appliance stood at 35% ~~of the total~~ and then it this figure declined 5% by 2010. A similar trend was seen in Home furnishings, whose percentage decreased by 10% from a quarter ~~of the total figure~~ in 2005.

Other categories followed different patterns in percentages between 2005 and 2010. The proportion of Food and beverage and Video games rose 10% to 32%, which was the highest ~~figure for~~ retail items in 2010. There was also an increase of 5% in Video games, which saw a rise from 18% to 32% in five years later.

Avoid the use of "figure" in Task 1. In a math/science context, a figure is an illustration inserted into the text of an article. "Figure " refers to data values primarily in business performance reporting in financial newspapers.

Your writing is not precise enough and it gives incorrect results.

For example, "decrease by 10%" means this:

If the first value is 50% and it decreases by 10%, the next value is 45% (10% of 50 is 5 and 50-5 is 45)

So you can write this:

 The highest sales growth was in the Food and Beverage sector; its proportion increased by nearly 50%, rising from 22 to 32 percent.   The greatest decline was in Home Furnishings, dropping by 40% from a quarter of total sales in 2005 to only 15% in 2010.

Compare:

The highest sales growth was in the Food and Beverage sector; its proportion increased  11% , rising from 22 to 32 percent.   The greatest decline was in Home Furnishings, dropping 10% from a quarter of total sales in 2005 to only 15% in 2010.

To me, the first version is the more insightful one, because it does not simply copy numbers from the charts.

Here are other examples of not copying the values directly from the charts:

In 2005, the two highest-selling categories, making up 60% of total sales,  were ...


In 2010, Food and Beverage replaced Electronics and Appliances as the top-selling category, which had dropped to second place. The difference between them was narrow, only 2%.

Writing task1 : The online shopping sales. Please help me!!!

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