Writing task 2: Two-part question

Question

Hi, i tried to write my own essay. Please help me to mark and evaluate my essay as i am going to take an ielts test on this saturday, thank you very much!

Question: Not many young people in countries around the world go to and enjoy concerts and plays. Why is this the case? Should they be encouraged to attend?

Many youngsters nowadays in countries do not have preferences for taking part in music concerts and plays. While this tendency can be attributed to several reasons such as the covid-19 pandemic and the high cost of tickets, I believe that they should be stimulated to join in other activities such as doing volunteer work.

There are two main reasons why the young do not go to and enjoy concerts and plays. First and foremost, in order to gain more profit, many concerts have cut down on the number of staff and security guards, leading to numerous accidents. For example, in Travis Scott's concert in 2020, it was reported that there were over 200 death cases due to mass shooting, which was attributed to the lack of security guards. In addition, ticket prices for these concerts and plays are usually prohibitively expensive. Thus, youngsters tend to avoid going to concerts and plays.

With two aforementioned reasons, I maintain that young people should be encouraged to attend other activities. First, instead of going to concerts and plays, they can participate in charitable organizations and help people in need. Hence, this could help them to have a good curriculum vitae, which allows them to have more chances to be accepted by many prestigious companies. Furthermore, they should also join hands with the government to protect the environment. Consequently, they could enable the authority to preserve it as well as save money to invest in other fields such as hospitals and education.

In conclusion, I am convinced that insecurity and money are two main reasons why youngsters in nations do not go to concerts and plays and I believe that they should be encouraged to do volunteer work and protect the environment.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Many youngsters (A youngster in American English is a child younger than 13. That is not the age group in this task. In the "youngster" group, the parents would be buying tickets and taking them. Besides, it is a quite casual word, often used humorously. I would avoid it in IELTS.) nowadays in countries (not a good word order. It implies that some are not in countries.) do not have preferences (Not the right word here. It means that they are not choosy.) for taking part in (That means that they play an instrument or sing. It is not the topic.) music concerts and plays. While this ~~tendency~~ can be attributed to several reasons such as the covid-19 pandemic and the high cost of tickets, I believe that they should be stimulated to join in other activities such as doing volunteer work.

(You did not answer the prompt. Should they be encouraged to go to these events? Answer yes or no. You answered a different prompt: "What should they be encouraged to do instead?))

There are two main reasons why the young do not go to and enjoy concerts and plays. First and foremost, in order to ~~gain more~~ maximize their profit, many concert venues have cut down on the number of staff and security guards, leading to unfortunate ~~numerous~~ accidents. For example, in Travis Scott's concert in 2020, it was reported that there were over 200 deaths ~~cases due to~~ in a mass shooting, which was attributed to the lack of security. (Security refers to metal detectors which would have stopped any people with guns from going into the arena.) ~~guards~~. In addition, ticket prices for these concerts and plays are usually prohibitively expensive. Thus, youngsters tend to avoid going to concerts and plays.

(You did not answer the question. Read the question carefully. Study it intently. Answer the prompt that is given. Do not assume that a different question is being asked.)

~~With~~ two ~~aforementioned~~ ( Remove this antiquated, word from your list.) reasons, ~~I maintain that~~ (Do not put your thesis in a body paragraph. It belongs in the first and last paragraphs.) There are two reasons why young people should be discouraged from attending plays and concerts. First, these concerts are very loud and and their hearing can be permanently damaged. Sensors have measured the volume in music concerts to be the same as a jet engine 50 meters away. I have a friend that is hard of hearing because he went to concerts and bought the music and played it in his headphones at top volume. Next, the lyrics in the music promote drugs, *** and violence. ... ~~encouraged to attend other activities~~. First, instead of going to concerts and plays, they can participate in charitable organizations and help people in need. Hence, this could help them to have a good curriculum vitae, which allows them to have more chances to be accepted by many prestigious companies. Furthermore, they should also join hands with the government to protect the environment. Consequently, they could enable the authority to preserve it as well as save money to invest in other fields such as hospitals and education.

In conclusion, I am convinced that insecurity (wrong word. "Insecurity" is fearfulness. ) and money are two main reasons why youngsters in nations do not go to concerts and plays and I believe that they should not be encouraged to go. ~~be encouraged to do volunteer work and protect the environment.~~

Writing task 2: Two-part question

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions