Writing task 2- TOEFL. Topic: Work

Question

Hi folks, it's been long time since I posted anything on this site. Today, I write an essay about part-time job for teenagers. Hope to receive your feedback.Thanks a bunch and have a nice day!Task 2:  Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? One of the best ways that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to take a part-time job. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer. These days, many teenagers would like to prepare well for adult life. One of the best ways that their parents can assist them is to permit them to have a part-time job. I completely agree with this statement. To begin with, having a part-time job could enable teenagers to gain essential skills and knowledge, which can benefit their career in the future. For example, in Korea, many high school students who would like to become businessmen, tend to work as a cashier in convenience stores in a permitted amount of time. As a cashier, they have to categorize the products, check the bills for customers on the computer and on technological tools as well as promote some products during special promotions. All of these can help them to gain more useful experiences including selling skills and product identification, which can benefit their business career thereafter. Furthermore, when parents can encourage them to have a part-time job, they also allow their children to establish their social relationships, which can be essential to their adult life. Take me as an example. Following my parent’s advice, I, a 16-year-old schoolgirl, used to work as a volunteer in a nursing house in which I had to have some small talk with the elderly during their breaks in three months. During the first weeks, I felt under pressure since I could not know how to console and converse with some oversensitive and surly elderly people. However, thanks to the tremendous support of my manager, who is five-year older than me, I gradually could learn to communicate with the old more effectively and keep in touch with them even after I stopped working as a volunteer. If I had not followed my parent’s advice to take up that job, I would not have acquired such valuable experiences and had a solid relationship with others. In summation, I believe that in order to help their teenage children be well-prepared for adult life, parents should consult them to have a part-time job. Teenager children taking a part job can obtain vital skills and knowledge, benefiting their career path. Also, they can know how to communicate and even maintain solid relationships with others afterwards.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote 360 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

These days, many teenagers would like to prepare well for adult life. One of the best ways that their parents can assist them in their preparation is to permit them to have a part-time job. I completely agree with this ~~statement~~.

To begin with, having a part-time job ~~could~~ enables teenagers to gain essential skills and

To begin with, having a part-time job ~~could~~ enables teenagers to gain essential skills and knowledge, which can benefit their career in the future. For example, in Korea, many high school students who would like to become businessmen, ~~tend~~ choose to work as a cashier in convenience stores a few hours a week. ~~in a permitted amount of time.~~ As a cashier, they have to categorize the products, (That does not make sense. Do you mean "arrange products on the shelves?) ~~check the~~ sum up the bills for customers on the register ~~computer~~ ~~and on technological tools~~ (That does not make sense. It is very bad English.) as well as promote some products during special promotions. All of these can help them to gain ~~more~~ useful experiences (wrong form. Experience is non-count) including selling skills and product identification, (That does not make sense. ) which can benefit their business career thereafter.

Furthermore, when parents can encourage them to have a part-time job, they also allow their children to establish their social relationships, which can be essential to their adult life. Take me as an example. Following my parent’s advice, I, a 16-year-old schoolgirl, used to work as a volunteer in a nursing house in which I had to have some small talk with the elderly during their breaks in three months. During the first weeks, I felt under pressure since I could not know how to console and converse with some oversensitive and surly elderly people. However, thanks to the tremendous support of my manager, who is five-year older than me, I gradually could learn to communicate with the old more effectively and keep in touch with them even after I stopped working as a volunteer. If I had not followed my parent’s advice to take up that job, I would not have acquired such valuable experiences and had a solid relationship with others.

In summation, I believe that in order to help their teenage children be well-prepared for adult life, parents should consult them to have a part-time job. Teenager children taking a part job can obtain vital skills and knowledge, benefiting their career path. Also, they can know how to communicate and even maintain solid relationships with others afterwards.

Writing task 2- TOEFL. Topic: Work

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