WRITING TASK 2 IELTS: WORKING LONGER HOURS

Question

Hi this is my essay, thanks for your review in advance. Would you mind focusing on evaluating my word choice, task performance, grammar, coherence, and cohesion?Task 2: Many people are working longer hours. Why is this happening? What problems can this cause to people?Essay:Working overtime than standard hours of work is become popular in recent years. This essay will consider the reason for this status and relevant affects overworked people.To begin with, there are some reasons to explain why people working more than the past. In the age of competition, people must participate in the contention that individuals are vying for a raise of promotion, this will improve their life better. In many company, surplus of young employees entering the workforce will help the employers more choices and give them an abundance of human resources. These corporations, prefer hire as few workers as possible to reduce and save their budget also their profit too. From worker’s perspective, refusing to work longer hour might hurt their chance to get their own goal career. If they did not work longer hour than standard, they would face with financial problem, because living quality are increasing day by day. Therefore, people who earn a high salary can provide a good condition of education, health care to their family.One of the first problems of this happening is the impact on the employee’s physical and mental health. People who work in these condition might suffer chronic muscular and joint pain like lumbago, fibrositis caused as constant sitting and lack of exercises. Another problem must to be consider is family relationships. In fact, workers spend most of their time to work instead of staying with their family members, so they can lack harmony and warm atmosphere in their family.In conclusion, working longer hours is a trend in this century. However, in my opinion, as business grow in their profit, it is at the cost of employee’s health and social well-being. If this status lacked of control, it could lead to immeasurable consequence.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

dutchladyvietnamWould you mind focusing on evaluating my word choice, task performance, grammar, coherence, and cohesion?

The coherence and cohesion, except for the lack of a thesis statement, is good.
There are quite a few grammatical errors. These are wrong verb forms, singular / plural mistakes and missing conjunctions.
The word choices and collocations (expressions) need the most improvement.
Task performance is good. You covered both prompts. However, it would be much better to have a solid thesis statement.

Working overtime ~~than standard hours of work~~ (ungrammatical expression) is (ungrammatical verb from) has become popular in recent years. ~~This essay will consider the reason for this status and relevant affects overworked people~~. (Ungrammatical, wrong word usage. Write a thesis for your essay. Do not tell the examiner you are writing an essay.)

The thesis is a very brief idea of your answers to these two essay prompts: Why is this happening? What problems can this cause to people?

Here is an example

The major reason for this is that people are driven to provide a better standard of living for their families, but in doing it, they themselves can suffer from burnout, and their families, neglect.

To begin with, there are some reasons to explain why people working more than the past. In the age of competition, people must participate in the contention (wrong word usage) that individuals are vying for a raise or of promotion, this will improve their life ~~better~~. (How does it do this?) In many company, (wrong form) ~~surplus~~ (wrong word) of young employees entering the workforce will help the employers more choices (ungrammatical. You need a verb after "help") and give them an abundance of human resources. (unnatural expression) These corporations, (no comma) prefer hire (wrong verb form) as few workers as possible to reduce expenses ~~and save their budget~~ (unnatural expression) ~~also~~ and increase (They do not want to reduce their profit!) their profit too. From worker’s perspective, refusing to work longer hour (wrong form) might hurt their chance to get their own goal career. (wrong expression) If they did not work longer hour (wrong form) than standard, they would face (wrong verb form) with financial problem,(wrong form) because living quality (wrong expression) are increasing day by day. Therefore, people who earn a high salary can provide a good condition of education, (wrong expression. Missing conjunction) health care to their family.

One of the first problems ~~of this happening~~ is the impact on the employee’s physical and mental health. People who work in these condition (wrong form) might suffer chronic muscular and joint pain like lumbago, fibrositis (ungrammatical. Missing conjunction) caused as (wrong word) constant sitting and lack of exercises. (wrong form) Another problem must to be consider (wrong verb form) is family relationships. In fact, workers spend most of their time to (wrong word) work instead of staying with their family ~~members~~, so they can lack harmony and warm atmosphere in their family.

In conclusion, working longer hours is a trend in this century. However, in my opinion, as business (wrong form) grow in their profit, (wrong form) it is at the cost of employee’s health and social well-being. If this status lacked of control,(unnatural. I do not understand it.) it could lead to immeasurable (wrong word) consequence.(wrong form)

AlpheccaStars · Answer

I have rephrased your essay into natural native English.

Working overtime has become more widespread than in our parents' generation. The major reason for this is that people are striving to provide a better standard of living for their families, but by overdoing it, they suffer from burnout, and their loved ones also suffer from neglect.

We live in a very competitive age, where workers are vying for raises and promotions. The successful ones will earn higher salaries, which means more money and a high standard of living. Also, there is stiff competition for jobs; the best companies have many choices of applicants, young people entering the workforce. These corporations prefer to employ as few workers as possible to reduce the cost of labor and increase their profits. This means that employees have to work longer hours; if they refuse, they may be replaced, and not realize their career goals. They also need the larger income from working long overtime hours to avoid financial problems. The cost of living has been rising, and saving for health care and education for the children is also a concern.

If someone works overtime for months and even years, there is a negative impact on their physical and mental health. People who work under these conditions might suffer chronic muscular and joint pain such as lumbago and fibrositis caused by long periods of sitting and lack of exercise. Another problem is the deterioration of family relationships. In fact, if they spend most of their time at work instead of enjoying life with their family, a pleasant harmony and warm atmosphere in their family can be lacking.

In conclusion, working longer hours has been the norm because of competitive workplaces. Businesses take advantage of their workers for profits at the cost of their employees' health and social well-being.

WRITING TASK 2 IELTS: WORKING LONGER HOURS

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