[WRITING TASK 2]

Question

1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human’s lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems. Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind’s healthy style of living rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.

To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for diseased individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards.

Nonetheless, the consumption of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.

In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human’s mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

~~In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human’s lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems~~. (That is off-topic. There is nothing in the topic about technology or modern machinery. Write an opening sentence that convinces the examiner that you have understood the key idea.) Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind’s healthy style of living (That does not make sense.) rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted (wrong usage) people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.

To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for ~~diseased~~ individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income (That is not good English. You have tried to use many words that you do not understand well. The examiner will not be impressed. ) still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. (That is off-topic. The topic is not about rich and poor people. It is about government spending in the healthcare sector. Which of two choices should they emphasize more - preventative measures or treatments?) Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards. (Off -topic)

Nonetheless, the consumption (wrong word) of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation (wrong word) of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived (wrong word) from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life (That makes no sense) also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind (wrong word) as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.

In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured (not good English) action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human’s mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.

Many students think that if they use high-level vocabulary words, they will get a higher band score. This is a false impression.

One of the four scoring criteria for Task 2 is "Lexical Resource." A student with a high lexical resource not only knows many words, but they know how to use them. Here are the descriptors:

Band score 7:

- uses a sufficient range of vocabulary to allow some flexibility and precision
- uses less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation
- may produce occasional errors in word choice, spelling and/or word formation

Band score 6:

- uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task
- attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy
- makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication

The issue with your essay is that you make so many errors in word choice, collocation and usage. It is not enough to memorize words from the dictionary; you have to use them naturally and correctly in a sentence.

It is far a better to use vocabulary words you know extremely well than to make a lot of errors with words you are uncertain about.

I believe you would get a score lower than 6 in "Lexical Resource" because the communication is frequently impeded by your injudicious choice of words and unnatural phrasing.

The next problem is that much of your writing is off-topic. You do not focus on the task.

This task is about the government budget for the healthcare sector. Assume that it is a set amount. There are two options for using this money.

First, some of it can be for curing people who have contracted a disease such as COVID-19. These patients need ventilators, critical care beds, highly-trained doctors and nurses, advanced medications, and supplies of oxygen. Covid patients can be in hospital for weeks.

The other choice is to prevent people from getting sick at all. In the case of the pandemic, this entails promoting a healthy diet with Vitamin D3, getting adequate sleep, mask-wearing, social distancing, and providing vaccines to everyone.

Of these two choices, which is the more important and why?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

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[WRITING TASK 2]

1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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