Writing task 2

Question

Please check this essay. Thank you so much <3

Topic: More and more people choose to work at home and students study from home as the development of computer technology makes it more convenient and cheaper. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

There is a rise in the number of people and students who prefer working and studying at their houses as a result of the convenience and affordable price currently provided by modern technology devices. While there are many drawbacks existing, I am strongly of the opinion that this trend could be beneficial in various ways.

On the one hand, people and students who choose to stay at home for working and studying because of the convenience and reasonable price provided by computer technology could be negatively affected. The primary reason is that their communication skill would be adversely affected. As they spend time working and studying at home, therefore they might face with the shortage in face-to-face discussions with colleagues which are necessary for people to complete the ability of communication and critical thinking. Another reason is, the writing skill of these people might have a bad influence as they relief too much on the convenience of technology devices. There are many online tools which automatically correct all grammatical mistakes made by users, consequently, some people would fail to correct themselves when writing physically.

On the other hand, there are numerous obvious benefits of the trend that staying at home for working and studying are becoming common among people and students because of the convenience and low price provided by the development of computer technology. First, computer users are able to access various information sources easily. As the Internet can store a limitless supply of information, therefore Internet-connected computers could help its users gather information even when staying home. Second, these people could save lots of money from traveling. For example, instead of spending 4 dollars to buy a bus ticket in order to get the local library, university students could find necessary information by searching for it online at home.

To conclude, there are many drawbacks of the trend that more and more people and student have a tendency of working and studying at home as they are utilizing the convenience and affordable price provided by the computer technology development. However, I firmly believe that this trend is positive in various aspects.

Poster · Accepted Answer

Hi I see you previously wrote: I am trying to get a better score on my writing tests but there have been five weeks since the day I took part in an IELTS course in my country and there is no improvement could be seen.

Here is some advice approved by an examiner:

"a) Let us oversimplify a little, and divide vocabulary and phrases into two categories: 'topic' vocabulary and 'general' (non-topic) or portable words and phrases. How can an examiner assess how extensive your vocabulary is? Your English may include 'less common' 'general' phrases and words, but if you display a thorough knowledge of more specialized topic vocabulary, the inference would be that your vocabulary range is far more extensive, not that you were just lucky with the topic at hand.

b) IELTS statistics show that, on average, to score 7.0 in writing, a candidate usually would be scoring 7.5 in reading, or more. It is hard to write at Band 7 level if you cannot already read at above that level. This means that the first step to achieve Band 7 in writing is to do much reading and listening on appropriate topics. In the past people have recommended sites such as

https://www.theguardian.com/world

http://time.com

c) If your current level is Band 6 reading, then in all likelihood, it will take well over a year of concentrated and persistent work to bring Band 7 within range. There are no short cuts to learning vocabulary. It is not enough simply to have an idea of the meaning: you have to know how, when, and where to use the word, and what are the likely collocations. Being wildly over-optimistic about the time required will simply lead to frustration and bafflement. What is needed is just a simple daily plod forward. " Comment by Mona.

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/11/ielts-writing-task-2-from-plan-to-paragraph.html

There is [When is the rise happening? Just now=present simple; in an undefined period up till now = present perfect] a rise in the number of people and students who prefer working and studying at their houses as a result of the convenience and affordable price currently provided by modern technology devices. While there are many drawbacks ~~existing,~~ I am strongly of the opinion that this trend could be beneficial in various ways.

On the one hand, people and students who choose to stay at home for working and studying [to work and study] because of the convenience and reasonable price provided by computer technology [massive repetition will lose you marks: working or studying does have some downsides.] could be negatively affected. The primary reason is that their communication skill would be adversely affected. As they spend time working and studying at home, therefore they might face with the a shortage in face-to-face discussions with colleagues which are necessary for people to complete the ability of communication and critical thinking. Another reason is, [no comma: put in 'that' instead] the writing skill of these people might have a bad influence as they relief [rely][ too much on the convenience of technology devices. There are many online tools which automatically correct all grammatical mistakes made by users, consequently, some people would fail to correct themselves when writing physically. [without the aid of a grammar checker]

Although the grammar and vocabulary are reasonably good in the second paragraph, it is very long-winded and roundabout, so the message does not come across well. This might mean you need to do more reading, so you can 'copy' the phraseology used to put your point across concisely in English.

On the other hand, there are numerous obvious benefits of [to working from home] the trend that staying at home for working and studying are becoming common among people and students because of the convenience and low price provided by the development of computer technology. [Oh no! Not the same idea all over again.] First, computer users are able to access various information sources easily. As the Internet can store a limitless supply of information, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comma_splice ] therefore Internet-connected computers could help its users gather information even when staying home. Second, these people could save lots of ['lots of' is too informal: use 'much' or 'many' ] money from traveling. For example, instead of spending 4 [write small numbers in full] dollars to buy a bus ticket in order to get the local library, university students could find necessary information by searching for it online at home.

To conclude, there are many drawbacks of [to] the trend that more and more people and student have a tendency of working and studying at home as they are utilizing the convenience and affordable price provided by the computer technology development. [Third time! This really points up the deficiencies in your vocabulary and technique.] However, I firmly believe that this trend is positive in various aspects.

If an idea is complicated, we need to substitute a short phrase or refer back using 'this'.

'Working or studying from home' : this trend ..... ; this; it.

For example:

"City life has several drawbacks. It is marred by a higher overall cost of living and in particular higher prices for housing, transport, and even food. It is often spoilt by a higher incidence of social problems (such as higher crime and poverty rates), blighted by poor air quality caused by pollution from traffic, and degraded by overcrowding on streets and public transport systems. As a result, city life can be unhealthy and stressful; whereas living in a small town or village tends to be more peaceful, cheaper, and frequently offers a better quality of life overall."

Examiner comment:

This linking is fine. If I was to be very picky, I would insert an 'addition' linker into your third sentence because you are introducing a new issue (social problems) and not continuing your first issue (prices), so you could say 'It is also often spoilt', or you could use something like 'additionally' at the beginning of the sentence. I'm also not a fan of the semicolon, as the majority of natives don't use them anymore. There is no need to put one before 'whereas' and most people wouldn't. Finally, I'm not sure why you have put your examples in brackets. Brackets tend to make something a bit less important, and I don't think that's your meaning here.

https://ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2018/01/ielts-writing-task-2-instead-of-firstly-secondly-finally.html

Writing task 2

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