Writing task 1_until I get better

Question

The bar chart highlights the amount of spending on properties in pounds sterling between French and British by 2010. It can be observed that two given countries replaced each other to lead each given field, but British spent more twice than the amount that French did in total.

In the year 2010, there was a significant surge number in pounds of automobile costs by inhabitants from two given countries (British customers spent more than 450,000,000 pounds, while French customers only spent 400,000,000 pounds). On the other hand, French consumers spent 300,000,000 pounds in books, less than 100,000,000 to British consumers (British spent 400,000,000 pounds). Opposed to books expense, French used 200,000,000 pounds in purchasing perfume, British paid lower than 150,000,000 in total.

Cameras were the biggest difference in expenditure, French only paid 150,000,000 pounds during the time British paid 350,000,000.

Teechr · Accepted Answer

The bar chart ~~highlights~~ compares the amount of ~~spending~~ money people in France and the UK spent on ~~properties~~ five categories of consumer goods in pounds sterling ~~between French and British by~~ in 2010. It can be observed that the French spent more on perfume and marginally more on computers, whereas the British spent more on books cars and especially on cameras. ~~two given countries replaced each other to lead each given field, but~~ In total, the British spent more ~~twice~~ than ~~the amount that~~ did the French. ~~did in total.~~

In the year 2010, there was a significant surge number in pounds of automobile costs by inhabitants from two given countries (British customers spent more than 450,000,000 pounds, while French customers only spent 400,000,000 pounds).

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“Surge” can be used if you are describing a trend or comparing two different years. It is wrong here. Try to compare, describe and possibly infer instead of just mentioning numbers. For example, “In 2010, people in the UK spent 450 thousand pounds sterling on cars, which was 150 thousand more than did people in France.”

Use appropriate adjectives and adverbs in your description. Try again and post your revised essay below if you like.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote 140 words. The minimum is 150. This will lower your score.
You really need to study model essays very carefully. Learn proper math / science expressions that are used to describe charts and graphs.

The bar chart ~~highlights~~ compares the amount of spending on properties (A property is a house, land or building.) in pounds sterling between French and British by (wrong preposition - in) 2010.

In the first paragraph describe all aspects of the figure, but do not describe the information content. e.g. How many types of goods are depicted? What are they?

It can be observed that two given countries replaced each other to lead each given field, (That is not good English. It does not describe this chart. "Field" is incorrect. A field of study is physics or math. You could describe the ordering of the bars on the chart, since there is a pattern. Most of the time, though, there is no pattern and the order is random.) but British spent more than twice ~~than~~ the amount that French did in total. (What exactly were the totals? If you do the calculations, you will discover that your statement is false. The British spent in total 1,690,000 and the French spent 1,420,000. The ratio of these two numbers is not more than 2. It is a very good idea to do the sums, but very bad to report a wrong answer.)

In the year 2010, (There is only one year on this chart. You told the reader which year it is. There is no need for this expression) there was a significant surge (wrong word) number in pounds of automobile costs (wrong expression) by inhabitants from two given countries (poor English) (British customers spent more than 450,000,000 (Every one of your numbers in this essay is incorrect. You did not pay attention to the values on the Y-axis of the chart.) pounds, while French customers only spent 400,000,000 pounds). On the other hand, French consumers spent 300,000,000 pounds in on books, less than 100,000,000 to British consumers (Incorrect word order. X less than the British. X is the difference between the two values.) (British spent 400,000,000 pounds). Opposed to books expense, (poor English) French used 200,000,000 pounds in purchasing perfume, British paid lower than 150,000,000 in total.

Cameras were the biggest difference in expenditure, French only paid 150,000,000 pounds during 2010 while the ~~the time~~ British paid 350,000,000.

Writing task 1_until I get better

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