WRITING TASK 1_CONTRIBUTION TO ECONOMY

Question

I would like to practice more on line graph, but it seems that if I do so, I will not keep up with the class' progress. Therefore, I try writing a bar chart in this post. Please read it and help me to improve. Thank you very much.

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The bar chart compares how much agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services contribute to the UK economy in the twentieth century.

Overall, agriculture over the shown period decreased dramatically. In addition, there was also a steady fall in manufacturing in the twentieth century. By contrast, business and financial services made a sharp climb, becoming the sector contributing most to the economy in 2000.

As for agriculture, there was a slight increase in 1950 with the value of a little more than 50%, in comparison with nearly 50% in 1900. However, from 1950 to 2000, the contribution of agriculture in the economy declined considerably, reaching almost 0% in 2000. Manufacturing’s contribution, in the beginning, was slightly less than agriculture with 45%, and it also suffered a steady fall over time. The most significant change was business and financial services. The recorded data in this sector was nearly 0% in 1900, but there was non-stop growth from the beginning to the end of the timeframe. In the end, compared with 1900, when agriculture was the highest contribution and the lowest was business and financial services, the pattern in 2000 was reversed, when the former stood at the lowest position and the latter reach the highest with about 35%.

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I have some questions. Sometimes, I want to use "figure" in my writing. I see that if I use "the amount of...", "the number of...", "the percentage of...", it is quite long and repetitive. I want to replace it with "data", or something different. Can you suggest me some words to replace? Likewise for some verbs like "saw", "experienced", "suffered", I only know two structures: "ABC increase/decreased", or "there was an increase/decrease in ABC",. It is also repetitive if I only use them. Are there any other structures I can use? Thank you

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

hyakuya stars Sometimes, I want to use "figure" in my writing. I see that if I use "the amount of...", "the number of...", "the percentage of...", it is quite long and repetitive.

Right. Use pronouns to avoid repetition. A good writer will only give the "long phrase" once and then refer to it using pronouns.

"Data value" is sometimes appropriate.

hyakuya starsLikewise for some verbs like "saw", "experienced", "suffered",

Those are wonderful verbs for Task 2, but quite inappropriate for Task 1. The reason for two different tasks is to evaluate your lexical resource in completely different contexts.

hyakuya starsLikewise for some verbs like "saw", "experienced", "suffered", I only know two structures: "ABC increase/decreased", or "there was an increase/decrease in ABC",.

That is not much lexical resource. And it is far better to study words and phrases for comparison rather than just absolute values. The Task 1 instructions usually say "make comparisons where relevant".

ABC went up by 10%.
ABC declined.

ABC trended upwards.
The percentage of population grew steadily over the first five years.
Toyota expanded their market share by a factor of three and displaced Chevrolet.
Toyota gained market share, as Chevrolet lost it.

The consumer price index rose 100 points, or 100% over the period.

There was an upturn in the company's share prices after a long period of decline.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The bar chart compares how much three particular sectors, agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services (You need to specify "three" because otherwise the reader thinks there are four.) contributed to the UK economy in the twentieth century.

Overall, agriculture over the shown period decreased dramatically. In addition,

Overall, agriculture over the shown period decreased dramatically. In addition, there was also a steady fall in manufacturing in the twentieth century. By contrast, business and financial services made a sharp climb, becoming the sector contributing most to the economy in 2000.

Suggested "Overall": If you do some very trivial primary school arithmetic, you can substantially improve the points you make.

Overall, these three sectors represented nearly all, 96%, of the UK economy at the start of the twentieth century, but by the end, they claimed only about half of the total economic output. In spite of this general decline, business and financial industries had a fifteenfold increase in their share. This was offset in large part by agriculture.

As for agriculture, there was a slight increase in 1950 (Wrong phrase. "In 1950" means between January 1, 1950 and December 31, 1950) with the value of a little more than 50%, in comparison with nearly 50% in 1900. However, from 1950 to 2000, the contribution of agriculture to in the economy declined considerably, ~~reaching almost 0%~~ and was an insignificant 2% in 2000. Manufacturing’s share ~~contribution~~, in the beginning, was slightly less than agriculture with 45%, and it ~~also suffered a steady fall~~ went down over time. The most significant change was business and financial services. ~~The recorded data in this sector~~ ~~was nearly 0%~~ It was negligible, less than 5%, in 1900, but approximately doubled during each time span, 10%, 20% and 35% in 1950, 1975 and 2000 respectively. ~~there was non-stop growth from the beginning to the end of the timeframe.~~ In the end, compared with 1900, when agriculture was the highest contribution and the lowest was business and financial services, the pattern in 2000 was reversed, when the former stood at the lowest position and the latter reach the highest with about 35%.

Example essay:

The bar chart compares the percentage contributions of three particular sectors, agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services to the UK economy during the twentieth century. Data points are given at 1900, 1950, 1975 and 2000.

Overall, these three sectors represented nearly all, 96%, of the UK economy at the start of the twentieth century and also at mid-century, but by the end, they had been reduced to only about half of the total economic output. In spite of this general combined decline, business and financial industries showed a fifteenfold increase, offset in large part by agriculture.

Agriculture remained at about half of the economy for the first half century, but dropped precipitously by a factor of five between 1950 and 1975. This downward spiral could not be stemmed, and it ended at a negligible percentage, about 2-3%, in 2000. Business and Financial services was nearly its mirror image, starting at  about 2-3% in 1900 and approximately doubling during each time span on the chart. It was valued at 10%, 20% and 35% in 1950, 1975 and 2000 respectively.

The paragraphs above add up to about 175 words. That is a good word count for task 1. If I wanted to cover the third category, manufacturing, I would have used the sentences below.

Manufacturing also fell, but in 1975 had the greatest share of the three. It was in second place at the other three years, ranking after agriculture in 1900 and 1950, and behind business and financial services in 2000.

However, I did not include them. Writing about everything is counter to the essay instructions and does not improve the score.

WRITING TASK 1_CONTRIBUTION TO ECONOMY

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