Writing task 1. Please help me to review it

Question

The bar chart compares the production and consumption of electricity of top ten nations in the year of 2014.

Overall, China held the first place in both production and consumption with an enormous disparity compared to other countries. Nine out of ten countries had the production greater than consumption except for Germany.

China, United States and Russia were the top three for both production and consumption of electricity, whose the amount above 1000 billion kWh. However, Russia had the third largest production and consumption of electricity for 1057 billion and 1083 billion respectively, which was only one fifth compared to that of China. Japan, India and Canada held fourth, fifth and sixth position whose the total number of production and consumption above 1200 billion. Germany stood at ninth position with consumption at 582.5 billion outweighing production at 526.6 billion. Korea had the lowest number with 485.1 for production and 449.5 for consumption.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

You barely wrote the minimum number of words. It is better to write a little more (170-180 words) to avoid losing points.

The bar chart compares the production and consumption of electricity of top ten nations in ~~the year of~~ 2014.

Overall, China held the first place in both production and consumption, far surpassing that of ~~with an enormous disparity compared to~~ other countries. ~~Nine out of ten~~ All ten countries produced more than they consumed ~~had the production greater than consumption~~ except for Germany.

Another way to write this: In nine out of ten countries the level of electricity generation was greater than the consumption. The exception was Germany.

China, United States and Russia were the top three for both production and consumption of electricity; their amounts were ~~whose the amount~~ (ungrammatical) above 1000 billion kWh. However, Russia had the third largest production and consumption of electricity, ~~for~~ 1057 ~~billion~~ and 1083 billion kWh respectively, which was only one fifth compared to that of China. Japan, India and Canada held fourth, fifth and sixth position whose the total number (ungrammatical. You cannot use number, since electricity is non-count. ) of production and consumption above 1200 billion. (Incorrect units) Germany stood at ninth position with consumption at 582.5 billion ~~outweighing~~ and production at 526.6 billion. Korea had the lowest number with 485.1 (missing units) for production and 449.5 for consumption.

If you just copy the values from the chart to the essay, it will not gain you much credit. You are not expected to mention every single data point. That will lose points. Focus on the main features and comparisons rather than simply copying the data values.

For example, here are some interesting comparisons:

The ratio of the amounts of electricity produced in China (the highest producer) to lowest (Republic of Korea) was more than 11:1.
The US produced about 75% of the amount of electricity that China did. Whereas China used nearly all that it produced, the US consumed about 95% of its production.
There was a large gap between the second and third ranking countries. Russia, in third place, produced 25% of that of the US, and slightly less than 20% of that of China. Like China, it used almost all of the electricity that it generated.
France, Brazil and Germany (ranking 7, 8 and 9) had very similar production values, ranging from 526 to 561 billion kWh. This was a little more than one tenth that of China.
India consumed only 80% of what it generated. That was the lowest percentage of all the countries listed.

Writing task 1. Please help me to review it

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions