Writing task 1 please help me check my essay

Question

The charts provide information on water that is used on three different sectors in San Diego, California and the world as a whole.

Overall, a held lion’s share of water, which used by homes in San Diego and California. By contrast, the sector of agriculture represented the vast majority percentage of water usage in the whole world.

In details, 60 per cent of residential water, which was consuming by residents in San Diego compared with that California’s citizens used (39%). While this figure decreased significantly in San Diego regarding the proportion of water consumption consumed by industry to 23%, that number only went down by 6% in California. Finally, the amount of water used on Agriculture account for the smallest percentage in both two cities, 17% and 28% respectively.

Moving to the rest of the world, 69 per cent of water spent on agriculture, which is 46% higher than that spent on industry. Meanwhile, just a fraction of water used by residential purpose all over the world (8%).

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

AlpheccaStars · Answer

You can learn a lot about writing Task 1 essays from all the mistakes you have made writing this one. Study your errors, and plan to avoid making them.

You need to write three, not four, paragraphs in Task 1.
Learn to write complete sentences, not fragments.
You must use the exact geographical names, or you lost a lot of points. Pay very close attention to the names on all Task 1 figures.

The charts (What kind of charts? Bar charts, organization charts, Gantt charts, eye charts or some other kind? How many are there?) provide information on (That is very vague. It does not say what is on the charts. Read my advice.) water that is used on (wrong word) three different sectors (What are these sectors?) in San Diego, California (San Diego, California is the name of a city. So are there two places being compared?) and the world as a whole.

Overall, a held lion’s share (That is not a mathematical expression. Do not use idioms or casual expressions in Task 1) of water, which used by homes in San Diego and California. (San Diego is a city in California, which is a state. You are not writing this correctly. Also, your sentence is a fragment. It is not a grammatical sentence.) By contrast, the sector of agriculture (wrong expression) represented the vast majority ~~percentage~~ of water usage in the whole world.

In details, 60 per cent of residential water, which was consuming (wrong verb form) by residents in San Diego (wrong name. San Diego is a city. The chart shows San Diego County, which is different.) compared with that California’s citizens used (ungrammatical. Also, citizens of San Diego are also citizens of California.) (39%). While this figure (wrong word) decreased significantly in San Diego regarding the proportion of water consumption consumed by industry to 23%, that number only went down by 6% in California. Finally, the amount of water used on Agriculture account for the smallest percentage in both two cities, (wrong expression) 17% and 28% respectively.

Moving to the rest of the world, 69 per cent of water spent (wrong word. We spend money. We spend time. We do not spend water.) on agriculture, which is 46% higher than that spent on industry. Meanwhile, just a fraction of water used by residential purpose all over the world (8%). (Fragment, not a sentence.)

Model essay: (~175 words)

Note that I order the geographic areas specifically so the reader is not confused by San Diego County, California, which is the full name of one location. Very few students recognize the problem of the ordering of these names. San Diego is a large city in California. San DIego County is a larger area which encompasses the city. It is one of the many counties in the state of California.

The three pie charts show the breakdown of water usage by three economic sectors – Residential, Industry, and Agriculture – in three different geographical areas: Worldwide, California, and San Diego County.

In general, the pattern of usage in San Diego County is similar to that of the entire state of California, in which it is located, in that the domestic use is the largest segment. Globally, agriculture takes the highest proportion of water, followed by industry and residences.

In detail, 60% of the water used in San Diego County goes to households, in contrast with a little less than 40% in the entire state. Agriculture takes 10% more in the state (28%) than in the urban county of San Diego (17%). Less than a quarter of the total (23%) goes to Industry in the county compared to a third in the state. Worldwide, industrial water usage is the same as in San Diego County, but the similarities end there. Only 8% of water worldwide is used by households, so the remaining 69% is taken by farmers and ranchers.

Writing task 1 please help me check my essay

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