Writing task 1: Please help me by reviewing this essay. Thank you.

Question

The line graph gives information about the percentage of people attending cinema in Great Britian over the period from 1984 to 2000 by four age groups including those from 7 to 14, 15 to 24, 25 to 35 and over 35.
Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of cinema attendance in each age group despite some fluctuations. People aged from 15 to 24 years old showed their interest in movies the most in contrast to those in the ages of 35 and onwards.
It is clear that at the beginning, below 1% pf people whose ages were over 35 went to cinema, in comparison with 4% of 25-to-35 people. Those in the age from 15 to 24 years old held the first rank with 16%, followed by 10% of people in the age group from 7 to 14.
In spite of some obvious variations, the proportion for attendants who were from 15 to years old kept going up, reaching the peak of approximately 60% in 1999 before going down to 53% in 2000. Similarly, throughout the period, while the percentage of 7-to-14 attendants got the highest point in 1998 with 39% and then decreased to 32%, that of people in the age from 25 to 35 years old topped at 34% before decreasing to the same percentage as that of teenage attendants (7 to 14 years old). There was a steady growth in the percentage of people going to cinema to watch TV, up to 14% in the last year shown.

Thanks for your help <3

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The line graph shows trends for ..... , divided into four age groups, 7 to 14, 15 to 24, 25 to 35 and 35 plus.

https://books.google.com/ngrams/graph?content=graph+gives+information%2Cgraph+provides+information%2Cgraph+shows+the+trends%2Cgraph+ +trends&year_start=1960&year_end=2008&corpus=15&smoothing=3&share=&direct_url=t1%3B%2Cgraph%20gives%20information%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cgraph%20provides%20information%3B%2Cc0%3B.t1%3B%2Cgraph%20shows%20the%20trends%3B%2Cc0%3B.t2%3B%2Cgraph%20%2A%20trends%3B%2Cc0%3B%2Cs0%3B%3Bgraph%20shows%20trends%3B%2Cc0%3B%3Bgraph%20showing%20trends%3B%2Cc0

Despite some fluctuations, there was a general increase in the proportion of cinema attendance in each age group . [more balanced word order]

'showed their interest in movies': a somewhat 'colored' description: 'had the highest attendance' would be more objective.

'the most, whereas those aged 35 plus showed/had the least'. There was no change in the rankings/rank order over the period.

'It is clear that' : superfluous.

'at the beginning' - > at the start of the survey period

below 1% pf people whose ages were over 35 -> laround 1 percent of the over-35s (OR oldest age group)

Consider highlighting the relative proportions: only one quarter of attendance by 25-to-35 year olds.

I found the third paragraph confusing: perhaps easier to follow if the age groups are kept in ascending or descending order, rather than jumping around.

'attendants' would be ushers -> the proportion of those attending

The report comes in at 253 words. This may be too much to write in twenty minutes, and in any case Task 1 is only worth one third of the marks, and it is vital not to eat in to the remaining forty minutes allowed for Task 2. I suggest you prune it back to around 170 words, and make sure you do not overrun your time allowance in the exam. In my view, there is no need to describe each and every wobble as in the final paragraph: just mention 'fluctuations' at some point. It is important to mention the final percentages and compare the ratios, and note that the 7-14 cohort has dropped to the same level as the 25-35 age group. Also, looking at the trend lines, the top group seems to be growing at a faster rate than the bottom group. Emphasize trends and comparisons, not lists of every little peak and trough.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The line graph plots ~~gives information about~~ the percentage of people in four age groups who attended ~~attending~~ cinema in Great Britian over the period from 1984 to 2000. The age groups ~~including~~ are ~~those~~ from 7 to 14, 15 to 24, 25 to 35 and over 35.

If the figure is complex, as this one is, you are much better off writing more than one sentence.

Overall, there was an increase in the proportion of cinema attendance in each age group despite some variations. ~~fluctuations~~. A higher percentage of people aged from 15 to 24 years old went to the ~~showed their interest in~~ movies ~~the most in contrast to~~ than in the other age groups. The lowest percentages are for people of ages of 35 and over ~~onwards~~.
~~It is clear that at the beginning~~, In 1984, less than ~~below~~ 1% pf people ~~whose ages were~~ over 35 went to the cinema, in comparison with 4% of the people aged 25 to 35 ~~people~~. Those in the age group from 15 to 24 years old ~~held the first rank~~ had the highest proportion with 16%, followed by 10% of people in the age group from 7 to 14.
In spite of some obvious variations, the proportion for attendants (wrong word - a attendant is a person who serves someone else. ) who were from 15 to years old kept going up, reaching a ~~the~~ peak of approximately 60% in 1999 before going down to 53% in 2000. Similarly, throughout the period, while the percentage of 7-to-14 attendants ~~got the highest point~~ reached its maximum value in 1998 with 39% and then decreased to 32%, that of people in the age from 25 to 35 years old topped at 34% before decreasing to the same percentage as that of the youngest attendees ~~teenage~~ (Teenage is 13-19) ~~attendants~~ (7 to 14 years old). There was a steady growth in the percentage of people going to cinema to watch TV, (??) up to 14% (which group are you writing about?) in the last year shown.

Writing task 1: Please help me by reviewing this essay. Thank you.

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