Writing task 1: Line graph

Question

Hello. I have studied IELTS for a short time so my ability of writing a passage is not good. Can you check my writing and give me some advices? It will be better if you give me the IELTS score for this answer. I will know what to do to improve my band. Thank you so much!

You can see the chart here: https://www.google.com.vn/search?q=the+birth+rate+of+china+and+usa&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj9gfeM67DTAhWEkJQKHQSGAygQ_AUIBigB&biw=1280&bih=870#imgrc=58UkfnHJTov9-M:

( I don't know why i can't post the picture )

MY WRITING:

"The Line graph shows the changes of China and USA in term of the birth rates from 1920 to 2000.

Overall, the trends of both regions were similarity but the birth rate of USA was generally higher than China.

In the first 5 years, the birth rates were all increased from 10/ 11 to 12. However, 5 years after that, they felt back as original. From 1930 to 1945, two countries changed so much, fluctuated continuously and grew down birth at 5. In next 5 years. There was an unexpected change that made USA increased from 5 to 15 and china grew up at 20.

After these years, the birth rates of china and USA declined comprehensively. In 40 years, the numbers of giving birth had no growth and in 1990, USA birth rates’s was at 7. The next 5 years had a little rise but it was felt back after that. Like USA, the birth rate of china was decreased at 2. And it also increased to 3 but it still came down."

Candy Andre · Accepted Answer

Nguy?n Th? H?ng H?nh
Hello. I have studied IELTS for a short time so my ability of writing a passage is not good. Can you check my writing and give me some advices? It will be better if you give me the IELTS score for this answer. I will know what to do to improve my band. Thank you so much!
You can see the chart here: https://www.google.com.vn/search?q=the+birth+rate+of+china+and+usa&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj9gfeM67DTAhWEkJQKHQSGAygQ_AUIBigB&biw=1280&bih=870#imgrc=58UkfnHJTov9-M:
( I don't know why i can't post the picture )
MY WRITING:
"The Line graph shows the changes of China and USA in term of the birth rates from 1920 to 2000.
Overall, the trends of both regions were similarity but the birth rate of USA was generally higher than China.
In the first 5 years, the birth rates were all increased from 10/ 11 to 12. However, 5 years after that, they felt back as original. From 1930 to 1945, two countries changed so much, fluctuated continuously and grew down birth at 5. In next 5 years. There was an unexpected change that made USA increased from 5 to 15 and china grew up at 20.
After these years, the birth rates of china and USA declined comprehensively. In 40 years, the numbers of giving birth had no growth and in 1990, USA birth rates’s was at 7. The next 5 years had a little rise but it was felt back after that. Like USA, the birth rate of china was decreased at 2. And it also increased to 3 but it still came down."

Hi H?ng H?nh,

I think there are some things which are needed to change in your writing. I have already colored it. However, this is my own opinions, so they are for reference purpose only.

1. Similarity: it must be similar because similarity is a noun.

2. the birth rates of which country?

3. Two countries didn't change, only the birth rate changed and you also should not use "so much" in academic writing

4. Grew down: I don't think there is any phrasal verb like this or maybe you want to say "went down"?

5. In the next 5 years,

6. Again, two countries didn't change, only the birth rate changed

7. The numbers of giving birth: it should be " the number of births" and this sentence is so weird.

8. I don't understand what "USA birth rates's" means. You want to say birth rates' USA?

9. Was felt back , Was decreased. Why did you use passive here?

Anonymous · Answer

Nguy?n Th? H?ng H?nhand USA

and the USA

Nguy?n Th? H?ng H?nhOverall, the trends of both regions

China and the USA are countries, not "regions".

Writing task 1: Line graph

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