Writing task 1 Ielts. Could you help me review my writing, please? Thanks a lot.

Question

WRITE DESCRIPTION HEREThe graph illustrates the percentage of travelers to go insight into 4 Brighton places from 1980 to 2010. Generally, it can be seen that these tendencies had been fluctuating which needs to be analyzed and giving the conclusion.As we’ve compared, the proportion of people visiting the Art Gallery and Pier seems to have an upward trend from 1980 to 1985. Over the years, there was the difference between the two data, which was the upward trend of the Pier visitors, which increasedto 20%,  and so on the downward trend of the Art Gallery, which fell to 9%.Likewise, there were a lot of changes in two other places, Festival and Pavillion. At the start of the period, the proportion of people joining the Festival was rather than Pavillion. Therefore, after 1985s, the percentage of tourists in Pavilion dramatically peaked at 48% and gradually went down, while the number of people in the Festival was volatile then remained stable.In conclusion, as we’ve seen, there was an upward trend in Pier data, while these two places, Pavilion and Art Gallery were the downward trends and the Festival graph seemed to stay stable at all times.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

The (What kind of graph?) graph illustrates (not a good word choice) the percentage of travelers (wrong word) to go insight (wrong word) into 4 four (Write out small numbers that are not data values in words.) Brighton places from 1980 to 2010. ~~Generally, it can be seen that these tendencies had been fluctuating which needs to be analyzed and giving the conclusion.~~

That is a very poor sentence. "Fluctuating" is not a good word. Do not write any conclusions or interpretations. You are expected to describe the information for a university professor, giving no opinions or conclusions.

Your first paragraph is incomplete. What are the four places? What kind of places are they?

The examiner is looking for an overview with two or three major observations. Your essay lacks this.

Please read my advice for Task 1 essays.

IELTS TASK 1: Hints, Tips And Advice

Vocabulary Words For Task 1: Reference Post

Here is an example opening paragraph:

The line graph plots the percentage of tourists visiting England between 1980 and 2010 who also visited one or more of four attractions in the city of Brighton. The Brighton attractions are the Zoo, Pavilion, Pier and Art Gallery.

~~As we’ve compared~~, (Just describe the graph. Do not mention what you are doing.) the proportion of people visiting the Art Gallery and Pier seems (not a good word choice) to have an upward trend from 1980 to 1985. Over the years, there was the difference between the two data, which was the upward trend of the Pier visitors, which increased to 20%, and so on the downward trend of the Art Gallery, which fell to 9%.

Likewise, there were a lot of changes in two other places, Festival and Pavillion. At the start of the period, the proportion of people joining (wrong word - they were not employed. ) the Festival was rather than Pavillion. Therefore, after 1985s, (wrong word) the percentage of tourists in Pavilion dramatically peaked at 48% and gradually went down, while the number (wrong word Factually incorrect. We do not know the numbers. For example, suppose in 1990 there were 100,000 total foreign tourists. A little less than 10,000 visited Pier and 20,000 visited Art Gallery. Now suppose in 2010 there were 20,000 total foreign tourists. In that year, 4,400 visited Pier and 1,600 visited Art Gallery. So the number that visited Pier in 2010 was actually less than the number that came in 1990, even though the percentage was double! ) of people in the Festival was volatile then remained stable.

~~In conclusion, as we’ve seen,~~ (Write a conclusion for Task 2, but not for Task 1.) there was an upward trend in Pier data, while these two places, Pavilion and Art Gallery were the downward trends and the Festival graph (There is no separate graph for Festival. There is one graph for all four.) seemed to stay stable at all times.

Here are some ideas for the "overview" paragraph. The second paragraph of the essay. You should write 2-3 major observations.

The highest percentage for all the attractions during the entire period was for Pavilion, which attracted about 48% of the tourists in 1995. The rank order of popularity in 1980 was Festival, Pavilion, Art Gallery and Pier, with a difference of 20% (30% versus 10%) between the most and least visited destination. The ranking was quite different in 2010, with Pavilion being the highest, followed by Festival, Pier and the Art Gallery. The percentage visiting Festival varied the least over the period; staying in the range of 25-30% and that of Art Gallery had the highest variation, between 8% and 38%.

Writing task 1 Ielts. Could you help me review my writing, please? Thanks a lot.

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