Writing IELTS task 2. Please help me to review this

Question

Topic: These days more and more people are going to other countries for significant periods of time, either to find a job or to study.
There are many benefits to doing this, but people who live abroad can also face some difficulties.
discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living and working in a foreign country

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Nowadays migration to live or study abroad is becoming popular, especially for teenagers and youth adults. They find it attractive and challenging. However, leaving your hometown has some pros and cons which I am going to discuss in this essay.
In the beginning. Let’s take a look at the upsides of heading overseas. Migration would help you to broaden your horizon. That is the say you will find more opportunities for a decent job or as a student, you may have the chance to go to a high-ranking University and become a prosperous specialist.
Secondly, if you are going to migrate alone and you have been living with your family until then, migration is a great chance to learn how to be independent and overcome life challenges on your own. Consequently, you will become ready for harder situations.
The last advantage that I’m going to mention is that by moving to a new country you can improve the quality of your life. This has various aspects. As an example, better weather conditions, a superior job with a higher salary, gaining qualifications and skills, which could improve your job prospects.
On the other hand, migration has its own difficulties. For instance, if the national language of your destination differs from your mother tongue, you will face a language barrier that may cause different issues, which the most essential one is misunderstanding and misinterpreting.
Another issue is that it may seem tough to start life from scratch. You have to find new accommodation, new friends and colleges. In addition, when you feel upset and you do not find your family and close friends next to you to cheer you up, you may feel homesick.
To sum up, as I mentioned during the essay, leaving your home country has many upsides and downsides. By the way, in my opinion, the benefits of migration, which I just mentioned a few of them, outweigh the negative points.

Your help would be appreciated.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

What score are you aiming to achieve?

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Nowadays migration (wrong verb for this topic. Migration is a permanent move to another country and applying for citizenship there.) to live or study abroad is becoming popular, especially for teenagers (Not a likely age group to do this except for one-year exchange students.) and youth adults. (That is not a good phrase) They find it attractive and challenging. However, leaving your hometown (That is not a good expression for this topic. ) has some pros and cons ~~which I am going to discuss in this essay.~~

That is not a thesis statement. Announcing what is in your essay is considered improper in university-level writing. Instead, for a higher score, write a thesis statement. This is the main conclusion in your essay. "Having pros and cons" is not a very effective thesis statement because it is vague and general. It applies to any subject whatsoever.

Besides it is off topic. The journey from your hometown is not the subject requested. They ask you about living and working in a foreign country. Much of your essay is off-topic and you will lose a lot of points.

e.g. Here is a thesis statement for this essay prompt:

Living and earning money in a foreign country can be thrilling, rewarding and life-changing, but you have to overcome some obstacles to get the best experience.

In the beginning. (That is not a proper sentence. There is no subject. There is no verb. Bad grammar!) Let’s take a look at the upsides of heading overseas. Migration (wrong word) would help you to broaden your horizon. That is the say (Say is a verb. You cannot write "the say") you will find more opportunities for a decent job or as a student, you may have the chance to go to a high-ranking University (university is not a proper noun.) and become a prosperous specialist.
~~Secondly~~, Second, if you are going to migrate alone and you have been living with your family until then, migration is a great chance to learn how to be independent and overcome life challenges on your own. Consequently, you will become ready for harder situations. (This is off-topic. The subject is the advantages / disadvantages of living or working in a foreign country.)

The last advantage that I’m going to mention (Bad style. Do not use "I" in a discussion essay. DO not use contractions.) is that by moving to a new country (Off topic) you can improve the quality of your life. This has various aspects. As an example, better weather conditions, a superior job with a higher salary, gaining qualifications and skills, which could improve your job prospects. (That is not a sentence. It is a rather long noun phrase.)

On the other hand, migration has its own difficulties. For instance, if the national language of your destination differs from your mother tongue, you will face a language barrier that may cause different issues, which the most essential one (ungrammatical) is misunderstanding and misinterpreting.
Another issue is that it may seem tough to start life from scratch. You have to find new accommodation, new friends and colleges. In addition, when you feel upset and you do not find your family and close friends next to you to cheer you up, you may feel homesick.
To sum up, as I mentioned during the essay, leaving your home country has many upsides and downsides. By the way, in my opinion, (The essay prompt did not ask you for an opinion. Do not give one! You will lose points for that because you did not follow the instructions.) the benefits of migration, which I just mentioned a few of them, (Do not use I or refer to your writing in an academic discussion essay. Only use "I" for an opinion essay. This is not an opinion essay.) outweigh the negative points.

Writing IELTS task 2. Please help me to review this

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