WRITING IELTS TASK 2 PLEASE HELP

I'm going to take an IELTS exam this week so can sbd please correct my essay and give me detailed feedback?

thank you and wish you the best!

Children learn more effectively from watching television. Therefore, they should be encouraged to watch TV regularly, both at home and at school. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People have different views about the role of television in educating young children. From my perspective, I partly agree with the idea that we should allow students to watch television in a daily basis as a teaching method.

Television offers precious opportunities for students to broaden their mind. First, many knowledge and lessons are delivered through the TV programs. While educative channels like Discovery provide documentary and wide range of information about several academic fields, other programs teach children about life lessons and social skills such as communicating in English or doing arts and crafts. Because students seem to show more interest and willingness to learn through mass media, the education system will be certainly more effective. Moreover, TV can also boost the creativity and inspiration among children. The well-designed and vivid images of TV programs make a great contribution in stimulating children’s innovation and imagination, which are the key factors to become successful in future.

However, I strongly believe that we should not encourage children to watch television frequently. First, beside educative channels, there are many contents on TV programs which are not suitable for young children. For example, movies which have violent or pornographic scene may lead the youth to misconduct, which in this case television spoils them rather than educates. Second, watching too much TV can cause the distraction in studying, leading to the poor performance at school. It is a fact that many students may easily become addicted to TV, but they just prefer entertaining programs to educative ones. Moreover, this strategy can have harmful effects to health. Children tend to keep their eyes glued to the screen all the time, and this is the main reason of several eyes problems.

In conclusion, I agree that we should let children watch TV because of many advantages. However, we should also keep them under parental guidance in order to make sure they can learn in the most effective and appropriate way.