[Writing IELTS Task 1] Please help me correct and rate my work

The table gives information on the actual proportion of families in Britain using appliances from 1972 to 1983

Over the span, British television and vacuum cleaner users remain stably dominant. Meanwhile, video and dishwasher consumers percentage had just found their ways to the figure since 1983 and 1978, respectively.

While television and vacuum cleaner proportion do not show a noticeable discrepancy throughout the years, those of central heating, refrigerator, washing machine, telephone had made quite a huge change. The percentage of household owning them had increased nearly 30 percent over 11 years

In contrast, while many others had secured a place in British families since early years, video and dishwasher user had only been noticed after 1978. In terms of dishwasher, it had just only appeared in houses since 1978 an showed an extremely slow increasing, whereas videos made it appearance in families in 1983 and reached a percentage up to 18 percent.