Writing IELST task 2

Question

Hi everyone. Have a nice day !!!! Please help me to correct my essay and if you can, let me know my current band score. Thanks a lot

Today, there are more men’s than women’s sports on TV. Why? Should TV channels give equal time for women’s and men’s sports?

Gender equality is one of the most major problems in many nations around the world, which requires both immediate and long-term remedies to eliminate itself. Despite that, more men’s than women’s sport shows are broadcast on TV. My position is that the root of this situation lies in the stronger preference of the audiences towards men’s sport shows and there is no compelling reason to change this tendency.

There are several explanations for the significant difference in the number of 2 sexes' sports. Chief of these is that there are more audiences watching male sport shows than the female ones. This is predicated upon the assumption that people are more likely to engage in sport games where participants can show their great strength and extraordinary skills. Because men have better physical health, their shows can easily meet the demand of TV viewers. Added to this is the fact that the number of male sportsmen surpasses the number of the other gender. Beside better physical condition of the male, the entrenched perception which synthesize physical activities with men and dexterity and patience with women is another contributor. As a result, more men’s sports are organized than that for women, leading to the larger number of male broadcast sports.

I strongly believe that TV channels should spend similar time for these two kinds of sport programs for no reason. As I mentioned above, it is a psychological phenomenon when viewers prefer games whose players are the male to female. Thus, it is useless to convince people to pay attention to women’s sports on TV. Furthermore, in light of more men than women enrolling in sporting areas, the inequality in the number of 2 genders’ sport shows is justifiable. It is impossible to force more women to take part in sports because that behaviour violates human’s liberty.

In conclusion, despite the difference in time between male’s and female’s sport shows , which is due to general watchers’ predilection towards men's, I hold the opinion that there should be no intervention in this trend.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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AlpheccaStars · Answer

You wrote 340 words. The minimum is 250. You will not lose points for writing more; however, longer essays generally do not get high band scores. And there are many reasons for this.

First, the longer the essay, the more chances you have to make errors, and you will lose points for each of those errors.

Second, your writing may be repetitious and wordy. This will cost you points in task response or coherence and cohesion.

Third, you will likely stray off-topic, and examiners will deduct points if you are not focused on the topic. Do not write about things that are not specifically given in the task. You will also be tempted to use weak or unsound arguments or even lose your direction and contradict yourself. Develop just two or three argument points with examples and personal experiences. It is much better to have two well-developed and fleshed-out argument points than to have four which are just individual separate statements.

Fourth, you will spend a lot of time writing, and not have sufficient time left over to proofread your essay. You will miss the silly mistakes, which everyone makes, and that lowers your score.

Fifth, you will not have enough time for Task 1, and get a lower score there. You should allow 40 minutes for task and 20 minutes for Task 1. The word counts are designed so that you have ample time for brainstorming and then writing the two parts.

Aim to write 270-290 words for Task 2. Practice writing a lot of essays so you get a feeling for the length.
You can use this word counter: https://www.ieltsscore.com/word-counter/

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Gender equality ( Don't you mean inequality? You write that men and women are treated the same, and that is a problem.) is one of the most major problems in many nations around the world, which requires both immediate and long-term remedies be eradicated. ~~to eliminate itself~~. (Not a natural expression. Besides, the task is not the general topic of gender inequality. Be sure to focus on the task presented.) ~~Despite that,~~ (Not a good transition phrase.) Evidence of this is that more men’s than women’s sport shows are broadcast on TV. My position is that the root ~~of this situation~~ cause lies in the stronger preference of the audiences towards men’s sport shows and there is no compelling reason to change this. ~~tendency~~. (wrong word. )

There are several explanations for the significant difference in the number of 2 sexes' (wrong phrase. ) sports. Chief of these is that there are more ~~audiences~~ (wrong word. ) people watching men's games compared to women's. ~~male sport shows than the female ones.~~ (very unnatural English.) This is predicated upon the assumption that people are more likely to engage in sports (You are writing about actually playing in the game, not watching it. The next sentence is not logical. ) ~~games~~ where ~~participants~~ they can show their great strength and extraordinary skills. Because men have better physical health, their shows can easily meet the demands of TV viewers. Added to this is the fact that the number of male athletes ~~sportsmen~~ surpasses the number of the other gender. (very awkward and unnatural. ... there are more male athletes.) Beside better physical condition of the male s, the entrenched perception which synthesize physical activities with men (I have no idea what you mean. It is bad English) and dexterity and patience with women is another contributor. As a result, more men’s sports are organized than that for women, leading to the larger number of ~~male~~ broadcasts sports.

~~I strongly believe that~~ TV channels should spend similar amounts of time for these two kinds of sport programs for no reason. (That does not make sense.) ~~As I mentioned above~~, (Just state you points logically. Delete.) It is a psychological phenomenon when viewers prefer games whose players are ~~the~~ male ~~to female.~~ Thus, it is useless to convince people to pay attention to women’s sports on TV. Furthermore, in light of more men than women enrolling in sporting areas, (unnatural, poor English. ) the inequality in the number of 2 (Do not use numerals in formal writing.) genders’ (awkward ) sport shows is justifiable. It is impossible to force more women to take part in sports because that is not reasonable. ~~behaviour violates human’s liberty.~~

In conclusion, despite the difference the number of ~~in time between~~ male’s and female’s sporting events broadcast on TV ~~sport shows~~ , which is due to general watchers’ predilection towards men's competitions, I hold the opinion that there should be no intervention in this ~~trend~~. (wrong word. )

Writing IELST task 2

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