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MRA Posted 9 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Writing (First Person)

Hi,

Would anyone please correct this paragraph for me and tell me about my mistakes or the ways that I can make it better?

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A favorite childhood memory

Eleven years ago, I was six years old. Also, I had been going to kindergarten. One day something fabulous happened to me. Like every day, I woke up and washed my face; besides, I went to the bathroom and combed my hair. Later on, I ate breakfast and prepared to go to the kindergarten. Had arrived there, I embarked to spend my time painting, playing with my fellows, watching cartoons or something. At one p.m. my father came and took me home. When I arrived home, as soon as entering my room, “Surprise!” my family shouted. I was shocked. Moreover, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I observed a beautiful computer on a desk in the corner of my room. I appreciated my family for this fantastic gift! Afterward, I pressed the power button and turned on my personal computer. As soon as I saw Windows XP icon, a feeling of delirium overwhelmed me. I ran a few applications, played, listened to music and watched movies for hours on my computer. Eventually, at 11 p.m. I went to sleep. The next morning I asked my parents to stay in the home and they permitted, but just for that day. That day I didn’t go to kindergarten, but instead, I began becoming familiar with my PC more. As a result of staying indoors, I learned basic tools of “Word” and “PowerPoint” and some other software; additionally, I was amazingly pleased with my new smart friend, my PC!

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