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Ehsan Meamari Posted 10 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Would you please review my essay. Thanks.
Hi, I am a new-comer in this site. I hope to get help to review my essay. I really appreciate if you spend time and help me. Thanks.
Topic of essay: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
My essay:
Different people have diverse opinions that if attending a live performance is more enjoyable or watching it on a TV. Some of them prefer to go to cinemas, theaters and so on to see their hero and celebrities in a live show and get signs of them; however, I really disagree with their mentality and I want to stay at home and see the concert on my TV. I am a lazy person and prefer to speak with my friend during a performance; in addition, I hate to waste my time in civic traffic to arrive in a cinema.
First of all, I want to admit that I am an indolent person who prefer to live more and more convenient. For example, I never spend my time for sport and I always flee from going to gym. So I think it is better for me to loll on a sofa and watch a live performance on TV. Enjoying the performance in a quiet environment, such as personal home, without any physical activity to go to cinema, theater and so on, is a convincing pastime for such a lazy guy that I am.
Furthermore, in a cinema or other public environment, viewers focus on the concert and we have to be silent and cannot speak with our friends or family members. In our house and watching the TV, we can converse with our friends about a common topic such as the concert. It means that at the same time that we watch the concert, we also can chitchat and improve our relationship with our friends. It is obvious that having common hobby with our friends can build positive relationship and it is the thing that most of us want from our friends.
Apart from being lazy and have pleasant time with my friends, I hate civil problems that I have to tolerate in my city. I live in a city which suffer from heavy traffic and I have to waste much time to arrive to the nearest cinema and then stand in long queues, because this city is very crowded. For example, I am obligated to spend one hour to go to my office every morning and the same time to come back to home at evening. In addition, I do not want to suffer the harsh sound of the cars in the streets, which can leads to neurological problems, linger beyond the red lights, and smell stinky garbage and others.
In conclusion, I think that the best fun activity, for me, during vocation is watching a live concert on TV with my sincere friends and drink beverage and eat sandwich together. I never change this pastime with wasting my time to go a cinema. The more staying at home and watching TV with my friends, the better vacation for me.
Topic of essay: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example, a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
My essay:
Different people have diverse opinions that if attending a live performance is more enjoyable or watching it on a TV. Some of them prefer to go to cinemas, theaters and so on to see their hero and celebrities in a live show and get signs of them; however, I really disagree with their mentality and I want to stay at home and see the concert on my TV. I am a lazy person and prefer to speak with my friend during a performance; in addition, I hate to waste my time in civic traffic to arrive in a cinema.
First of all, I want to admit that I am an indolent person who prefer to live more and more convenient. For example, I never spend my time for sport and I always flee from going to gym. So I think it is better for me to loll on a sofa and watch a live performance on TV. Enjoying the performance in a quiet environment, such as personal home, without any physical activity to go to cinema, theater and so on, is a convincing pastime for such a lazy guy that I am.
Furthermore, in a cinema or other public environment, viewers focus on the concert and we have to be silent and cannot speak with our friends or family members. In our house and watching the TV, we can converse with our friends about a common topic such as the concert. It means that at the same time that we watch the concert, we also can chitchat and improve our relationship with our friends. It is obvious that having common hobby with our friends can build positive relationship and it is the thing that most of us want from our friends.
Apart from being lazy and have pleasant time with my friends, I hate civil problems that I have to tolerate in my city. I live in a city which suffer from heavy traffic and I have to waste much time to arrive to the nearest cinema and then stand in long queues, because this city is very crowded. For example, I am obligated to spend one hour to go to my office every morning and the same time to come back to home at evening. In addition, I do not want to suffer the harsh sound of the cars in the streets, which can leads to neurological problems, linger beyond the red lights, and smell stinky garbage and others.
In conclusion, I think that the best fun activity, for me, during vocation is watching a live concert on TV with my sincere friends and drink beverage and eat sandwich together. I never change this pastime with wasting my time to go a cinema. The more staying at home and watching TV with my friends, the better vacation for me.
Top answer
Hello, Ehsan Meamari—and welcome to English Forums. Thank you for registering as a member. Your essay is interesting, and that is a very strong point.
- Hello, Ehsan Meamari—and welcome to English Forums.
- Thank you for registering as a member.
- Your essay is interesting, and that is a very strong point.
- It is presented in an informal manner, which is a weak point; it should be more formal in tone.
- However, you have been very consistent in this presentation style, so that is another good point.
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4 Answers
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Hello, Ehsan Meamari—and welcome to English Forums. Thank you for registering as a member.
Your essay is interesting, and that is a very strong point. It is presented in an informal manner, which is a weak point; it should be more formal in tone. However, you have been very consistent in this presentation style, so that is another good point.
It
Your essay is interesting, and that is a very strong point. It is presented in an informal manner, which is a weak point; it should be more formal in tone. However, you have been very consistent in this presentation style, so that is another good point.
It
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Thank you so much. You spend much time to determine errors and I appreciate it, but I cannot understand what is the correct for each error! Would your please explain the corrects for some of these errors? I will appreciate if you do so. Bless you.
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Here is the first paragraph corrected:
People have diverse opinions. Some think attending a live performance is more enjoyable than watching it on TV. Some of them prefer to go to cinemas, theaters and so on to see their heroes and other celebrities in a live show and get their autographs; however, I really disagree with their mentality, and I want to stay at home and see the concert o
People have diverse opinions. Some think attending a live performance is more enjoyable than watching it on TV. Some of them prefer to go to cinemas, theaters and so on to see their heroes and other celebrities in a live show and get their autographs; however, I really disagree with their mentality, and I want to stay at home and see the concert o
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Thank you so much and I really appreciate your help. Bless you. I will try to review your other revisions myself. Thanks again.
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