would you please check my IELTS Writing Task 2 introduction paragraph[Thanks!]

Question

Could you please help me review this paragraph and make any correction if needed (grammar...misused word, and so on)?

Topic: Some people think the advantages of international tourism outweigh its disadvantages. To what extend do you agree?

My introduction paragraph:
International tourism is increasingly popular nowadays because of the highly developed world transportation system, commercialization and many other factors. But at the same time, controversy has arisen over whether international tourism has more benefits than drawbacks. Some assert that international tourism can usually bring more positive results. Speaking for myself, I agree with this proposition, with certain qualifications.

Many thanks,
Lei

RayH · Accepted Answer

International tourism is increasingly popular nowadays because of the highly developed world transportation system, commercialization and many other factors. But at the same time, controversy has arisen over whether international tourism has more benefits than drawbacks. Some assert that international tourism can ~~usually~~ often bring ~~more~~ positive results. Speaking for myself, I agree with this proposition, with certain qualifications.

Comments:
I deleted "usually" because it doesn't fit with the context of the paragraph, "often" is a much better fit to what you seem to be saying.
"more" doesn't have any reference in the rest of the paragraph. Presumably you mean "more positive than negative results" but from the paragraph alone that is not clear.
There is something not quite right about the overall paragraph. It seems like it dances all around its point but never really makes its point. Maybe some actual examples of good and bad results of international tourism would help.

Bmatt · Answer

RayHInternational tourism is increasingly popular nowadays because of the highly developed world transportation system, commercialization and many other factors. But at the same time, controversy has arisen over whether international tourism has more benefits than drawbacks. Some assert that international tourism can ~~usually~~ often bring ~~more~~ positive results. Speaking for myself, I agree with this proposition, with certain qualifications.

Comments:
I deleted "usually" because it doesn't fit with the context of the paragraph, "often" is a much better fit to what you seem to be saying.
"more" doesn't have any reference in the rest of the paragraph. Presumably you mean "more positive than negative results" but from the paragraph alone that is not clear.
There is something not quite right about the overall paragraph. It seems like it dances all around its point but never really makes its point. Maybe some actual examples of good and bad results of international tourism would help.

Dear Ray,
many thanks for your help! And great point! I done some modificatios according to your comments..

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HTML clipboardInternational tourism is increasingly popular nowadays because of the highly developed world transportation system, commercialization and many other factors. But at the same time, controversy has arisen over whether international tourism has more benefits than drawbacks. Some assert that international tourism can often bring more positive results than negative ones, and it could benefit many areas such as economy with less trade-off to make. Speaking for myself, I agree with this proposition, with certain qualifications.

==
I tried to fit in an example..however, even myself will not buy my introduction paragraph..I will think about it harder and make more improvements.

again, thanks for your help, and let me know if the modified version OK?

Lei

Anonymous · Answer

You did not include what question you are making an introduction.

would you please check my IELTS Writing Task 2 introduction paragraph[Thanks!]

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