Would you please check my answer?

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Hi.Do you think most people are concerned about endangered species? Why or why not?In my opinion, most people are not concerned about endangered species as it deserves. Over the past two centuries a lot of species got extinct, but most people really don't think something noteworthy has happened. In some countries people arbitrarily hunt some rare and critically endangered animals just to gather food or even worse to have fun! I wonder if the majority of people get more concerned and upset if they run out of gas in the middle of the road or if they hear the news of the extinction of an animal species from the radio during the same trip!

Mister Micawber · Accepted Answer

Persian LearnerIn my opinion,

Don't start with a personal reference; simply make the statement.

I have underlined some problem areas. Please try to correct them and post your revised essay here.

~~In my opinion,~~ most people are not concerned about endangered species as it deserves. Over the past two centuries a lot of species got extinct, but most people really don't think something noteworthy has happened. In some countries people arbitrarily hunt some rare and critically endangered animals just to gather food or even worse to have fun! I wonder if the majority of people get more concerned and upset if they run out of gas in the middle of the road or if they hear the news of the extinction of an animal species from the radio during the same trip!

I like your point very much, but your writing is not formal enough to pass an essay test.

Persian Learner · Answer

This is an answer that I'm trying to get comfortable with to give orally in the class. Our professor is going to ask the textbook questions randomly from the students. Should not I still start my answer with a personal reference?

My revised work:

Not many people are concerned about endangered species as much as it deserves. Over the past two centuries a great number of species went extinct, but most people don't regard it as an important and noteworthy event. In some countries people arbitrarily hunt some rare and critically endangered animals just to gather food or even worse have fun! Most people probably get more concerned and upset if they run out of gas in the middle of the road than hear the news of the extinction of an animal species from the radio during the same trip!

Mister Micawber · Answer

Persian LearnerShould not I still start my answer with a personal reference?

As you can see in your revision, it is quite unnecessary. The audience can see that it is you speaking.

Not many people are as concerned about endangered species as the animals deserve. Over the past two centuries many species have become extinct, but most people don't regard this as important or noteworthy. In some countries, rare and critically endangered animals are hunted just for food or, even worse, for fun! Most people are probably more upset if they run out of gas on the road than if they hear the news of the extinction of an animal species on the radio during the same trip!

Would you please check my answer?

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