Would you mind to Correct my personal statement and give me some advice?

Question

About why I choose this program,Challenge and opportunity are facing by Europe in nowadays global economics. Europe is affected by the rise of emerging market economies, which represent a huge opportunity but also imply the need to continuously adaptation of the production structure to the new competition. In the other hand, just as every coin has two sides. Along with “Broadening” and “Deepening” process of European Union, the global capitalism entering 21st century also develops with integration and faster mobility, which also unfold a new development treasure map to Europe. To adjust this kind of challenge and opportunity, to walk out of development stalemate, Companies and Europe need the qualified talent equip with management strategies, foresight prospective and passionate and finally, could mark the new Economic Miracle era in our century.Apart from this general prospective and concerning, I also encounter “management” in daily life.Rome is the capital city of Italy, but it has one of the worst transportation systems in Western Europe. During this year studying, what I was facing is that strikes happened almost once a week, which brought not only loss of economics but also inconvenience to the whole society. Apparently, the Mediterranean life identity should be blamed for this stalemate situation but, as for me, since the strikes and more serious unrest emerging recently, the inefficient management should be concerned to ascertain the causes. From my personal layman view, this inefficient management can’t cope with the upcoming challenges such as the vise understanding of the dynamic of the system, the internal processes and the critical thinking about relationship of workers so that it fails to reach the multi-equilibrium balanceThank you very much

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You should separate your text into sentences and paragraphs. Doing so would make it much easier to read. Once you have, you can post it here again and await another reply.

Teechr · Answer

Hello Yuehuan and welcome to the forum.

Are you trying to write a personal statement as part of an application for something?

A personal statement as the name suggests is supposed to be personal (about you).
You need to show in your statement why you are a suitable candidate. Therefore, you need to talk (and give real details and examples) about your qualifications, achievements, professional/personal interests, strengths, personal qualities, career goals ... etc.

You should do some research on the Internet on how to write an effective personal statement.
For example, have a look at this:
https://www.ucas.com/ucas/undergraduate/getting-started/when-apply/writing-personal-statement

Finally, I advise you to write simply and clearly.
You're welcome to write it again and post it back here. We'll then have a look at it for you.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

I don't think you addressed the question of "why I chose this program." But I will mark the errors of grammar.

Challenge and opportunity are facing by Europe in nowadays global economics. (Incorrect grammar. eg Europe is facing challenges and opportunities...)
Europe is affected by the rise of emerging market economies, which represent a huge opportunity but also imply the need to (you need a verb here) continuously adaptation of the production structure to the new competition. On the other hand, just as every coin has two sides. (The previous sentence is incomplete. It lacks a main clause)
Along with the “Broadening” and “Deepening” process of the European Union (is there only a single process?) , ~~the~~ global capitalism entering 21st century also develops with integration and faster mobility, which also unfold (what is your intended subject of "unfold"?)a new development treasure map (I'm not sure what a "development treasure map" is.) to Europe. To adjust (?) this kind of challenge and opportunity, to walk out of a development stalemate, companies and Europe need the qualified talent equiped with management strategies, foresight prospective and passionate (there is a missing noun here) and finally, (what is the subject of the verb "could mark"?) could mark the new Economic Miracle era in our century.
Apart from this general prospective and concerning (Incorrect use of the participle), I also encounter “management” in daily life.
Rome is the capital city of Italy, but it has one of the worst transportation systems in Western Europe. During this year of studying, what I was facing (the continuous tense is very odd here) is that strikes happened almost once a week, which brought not only loss of economics (I don't think that economics can be lost. Economics is the state of the economy - recession, depression, expansion, etc.) but also inconvenience to the whole society. Apparently, the Mediterranean life identity (?) should be blamed for this stalemate situation but, as for me, since the strikes and more serious unrest emerging recently, (You need an inflected verb in the since-clause) the inefficient management (which management?) should be concerned to ascertain the causes. From my personal layman's view, this inefficient management can’t cope with the upcoming challenges such as the vise (?) understanding of the dynamics of the system, the internal processes and the critical thinking about the relationship of workers (a relationship among between the different workers?) so that it (what is "it?") fails to reach the multi-equilibrium (Is there such a thing?) balance.

Would you mind to Correct my personal statement and give me some advice?

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