Would You Help Me To Correct Mistakes in my TOEFL essay

Hi Everyone,

I need your valuable feedback for my TOEFL essay.

I appreciated your kindness and help.

Regards,

Trang

Questions:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Arrangement of universities budget has been an appealing topic today. Different people possess different reasons for their different choices between sports, social activities and libraries. Personally I hold the strong belief of the advantage of the former.

First of all, what I put in my priority is skills development of students. It is common knowledge that by spending more money on out-door activities the universities encourage their students to co-operate with many people. Considering that these people possess different aspects such as culture, language or skin color, so students should find difficulty in coping with them. As they spend time working with one another, they gradually get a hold of hand to initiate dialogues, share information and so on, in harmony. This, consequently, grants them the opportunity to augment their teamwork skill. More interestingly, students offered a lot of facilities for engaging sport activities are expected to encounter heaps of troubles about organization, members or equipment. To ensure the accomplishment leaves them no choice but to self-analyze and carefully consider. As a result, they are bound to come up with better action, corresponding their troubles. The more cases urge them to deliberate, the more their problem-solving abilities are made progress. Indeed, investing in sports and activities is the best way for the universities to ameliorate students’ academic proficiency.

In the second place, studying efficiency is what cannot be left out when considering the essence. It is apparent that only by making sport and social activities complimentary can the universities create chance for their students to participate in many events where they are certain to meeting many new friends from others faculties. Those people with their strengths in physics, literature or geography is a source of great comprehensive. Working with them enables these students to not only widen their knowledge but also open their heart with new cultures and new world views. By and large, their school performance is likely to be cultivated.

On the other hand, some people might say that sport and social activities are such manual works that it is not worth to invest too much money. Therefore, the lack of money for education would make a huge negative consequence not only students’ development but also the national future. Nonetheless, this opinion is not always true. In fact, offering facilities for engaging outside activities is not really a burden for the university, it just occupies reasonable amount of the universities budget. Furthermore, it could be considered as a social progress contribution. These activities promote students’ physical, intellectual and emotion development, there by fostering in young the morally sound values and outlook on the world. As a result, the universities’ profit from this complimentary is likely to become blooming. Beyond any doubt, the idea that sports and social activities concentration will harm the national future is often possible end in collapse.

In summary, skill development of students, studying efficiency and national future improvement are convincing reasons for my choice. It is highly recommended that the universities and colleges should carefully consider my writing to make appropriate guideline on their arrangement budget.