Would like to know whether this paragraph is grammatically correctly

Question

I began practicing Japanese fencing, known as Kendo, my freshman year. I was elected vice president of the club, my sophomore year. I taught basic Kendo skills, including wearing the Kendo uniform, putting on armor, footwork, and sword drawing to beginners, and helped the Kendo sensei and the president in arranging tournaments and holding seminars. Through Kendo practice, I built leadership and teamwork skills.

CalifJim · Accepted Answer

clubwestpuaI began practicing Japanese fencing, known as Kendo, my freshman year. I was elected vice president of the club, my sophomore year. I taught basic Kendo skills, including wearing the Kendo uniform, putting on armor, footwork, and sword drawing to beginners, and helped the Kendo sensei and the president in arranging tournaments and holding seminars. Through Kendo practice, I built leadership and teamwork skills.

Pretty good. I think I might write it as follows. I added a few words and changed some others, which you'll have to check for accuracy. I removed some commas that you don't need.

I began practicing a form of Japanese fencing known as Kendo during my freshman year, and in my sophomore year I was elected vice president of our local Kendo club. I taught basic Kendo skills to beginners, including how to wear the Kendo uniform, put on armor, do footwork, and draw swords. I also helped the Kendo sensei and the club president to arrange tournaments and hold seminars. The practice of Kendo taught me leadership and teamwork skills.

CJ

Would like to know whether this paragraph is grammatically correctly

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