With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for...

Question

*I'm beginner in English, I really need some advice. Thanks if you can help me <3

Due to the promotion of health care, it is undeniable that society now has condition to pay more attention in taking care of elderly. There are likely to be a lot of elderly now, which is also means that we need to care for more and more elderly. The increasing numbers of elderly people also lead to a lot of problems, such as: they require much of careness, there is still a lack of facilities and equipment,etc. It follows therefore that it is necessary for the society to find the solution and deal with the increase in numbers of elderly. Indeed, I strongly believe that the society will be able to do it very well.

We can manage to the problem by following some solutions. Firstly, we need to reduce the number of single elderly by bringing in some new rules . For instance, all members in a family have to take charge of taking care of the old in that family. If they don't, they will be punished. This will help the society just to come forward the elderly that really in need and avoid the old from being abandoned. Secondly, more funds can be raised to increase the budget for more useful projects in the future. For example, if we have enough money, we can build some new nursing homes and have more facilities for caring the elderly. Last but not least, the government had better have some poilicies to rejuvenate the population so that the number of elderly would be decreased.

To sum up, the more improved health care, the higher rate of elderly that society has to care for. As far as I am concerned, the society is able to deal with and get over the problem as soon as possible.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

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Subject: Please review my IELTS essay

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Topic: Copy the essay instructions accurately here. You did not post the complete instructions, so put them in a reply or comment.

My essay:

(Your text here...)
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AlpheccaStars · Answer

The normal format of an IELTS essay is four paragraphs.

Your first paragraph is too long.

You have one, not two, body paragraphs.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

Due to the 1) promotion of health care, 2) ~~it is undeniable that~~ society now has 3) condition to pay more attention in taking care of 4) elderly.

1) Promotion means advertising. That is not a good word here. The task is about people living longer lives because they do not die of fatal diseases. Because there is greater longevity, there are more old people.

2) Avoid these dummy-it clauses. They add no information. They make a good, effective sentence very weak. They are annoying.

3) Condition is the wrong word. It is not a good sentence. Society is not very appropriate - probably the person who wrote the task is not a native English speaker..

4) Elderly is an adjective. To make it a noun, you must use "the".

A better sentence puts your first two together:

Due to the advancements in medicine, people are living longer, and our society has to plan to take care of more and more elderly people.

~~There are likely to be a lot of elderly now, which is also means that we need to care for more and more elderly.~~

The increasing numbers of elderly people also lead to a lot of problems, 1) such as: they require much of 2) careness, there is 3) ~~still~~ a lack of facilities and 4) equipment,etc.

1) Start a new sentence. "such as" introduces a list of simple nouns, not whole clauses.

2) There is no word "careness".

3) "still" is not used correctly in this context. Delete.

4) Never use "etc." or "..." or "and so on" in essays. Why? Because the reader has to finish your idea in their own brain. The essay has to be 100% your ideas, not the reader's, so finish every idea that you start.

The increasing numbers of elderly people also lead to a lot of problems.  They require a lot of care, so we have to build more facilities with advanced equipment for them.

It follows therefore that it is necessary for us 1) ~~the society~~ to find 2) the solution and deal with the 3) increase in numbers of elderly. Indeed, I strongly believe that we ~~the society~~ will be able to do it very well.

1) Society is not a good word here.

2) Probably there is not one single solution. Many different one need to be taken. Be careful of singular/plural.

3) This is very repetitious. Do not repeat the same phrases.

The opening paragraph needs to be very brief. Just introduce the topic. Do not give details.

Your opening paragraph was 115 words. That is almost half of the total minimum word count!

That last sentence belongs in a body paragraph, not in the introduction

Here is a better opening paragraph. It is 62 words, about half the number of words in your first paragraph.
It introduces the topic and gives a thesis statement, which tells the reader what your body paragraphs are going to be about.

Due to the advancements in medicine, people are living longer, and we, as a society, have to plan to take care of more and more elderly people. There are many actions that we can start now so that our citizens will be well cared for as they grow older. With good advance planning,  I believe we can deal with this very well.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

We can manage 1) to the problem by 2) adopting ~~following~~ some solutions.

1) "to" is wrong. Delete.
2) Following is not a good collocation. You can follow instructions or follow advice.

Firstly, 1) First, we need to 2) reduce the number of 3) single elderly by bringing in some new 4) rules . (Do not put a space before a punctuation mark.)

1). Use first, second, and third. This is a good sequence in all varieties of English. "Firstly" in American English is antiquated and passé. It was used 100+ years ago, but it is not used now.

2) Oh dear, it sounds like you are going to deport them to another country or kill them off.

3) Single people are unmarried. For elderly people, it is common that the husband as died and left a widow or the wife has died and left a widower. I do not think you mean that we need to reduce the number of widows and widowers.

I think this is what you meant:

First, families need to be required to take care of their older members, especially if they are living by themselves. Elderly people who live alone are vulnerable; they do not get enough good healthy food, they forget to take their medications and they can fall and break a leg or arm.

Then delete the next sentence.

~~For instance, all members in a family have to take charge of taking care of the old in that family.~~

If they 1) don't, they will be punished.

1) Do not use contractions in formal writing.

This will help the society just 1) to come forward the elderly that 2) really in need and avoid the complications that older people face when living alone. ~~old from~~ being abandoned.

1) That is poor English. It does not make sense.
2) missing verb.

The rest of the sentence is unnatural.

Secondly, more funds can be raised (How do you propose too do this?) to increase the budget for nursing homes and healthcare facilities specifically designed for senior citizens. ~~more useful projects in the future. For example, if we have enough money, we can build some new nursing homes and have more facilities for caring the elderly.~~ Last but not least, the government ~~had better~~ should have some poilicies to rejuvenate the population so that the proportion ~~number~~ of elderly would be decreased.

I do not know what you have in mind for these policies. Should couples be required to have more than three or four children? That really makes no sense. The world population is already outstripping the ability of the planet to support them in terms of natural resources, places to live and fresh water. And when these children grow up, they will be part of a larger elderly population. You are only postponing the problem.

It is better to forget this point. Do not just write one sentence for an argument. Develop it with explanations. Write at least 3 sentences for each separate point.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

ngoc hang nguyenTo sum up, the more improved health care, the higher rate of elderly that society has to care for. As far as I am concerned, the society is able to deal with and get over the problem as soon as possible.

That is not very good.

The first sentence is not good English. "Rate" is wrong.

The second is not a summary of your main points.

"as soon as possible" is not reasonable. There is time to prepare.

Here is an example conclusion:

To sum up, as medical science advances, people live longer and heathier lives, but we have to be prepared to care for the needs of our senior citizens. We can do this by requiring families to take responsibility for their elderly parents and grandparents. The government can also project the need for nursing homes and other elder care facilities and raise money to build them. By taking these actions, we can accommodate an aging population.

With the improvements in today’s health care, society has to care for more and more elderly people. Do you feel that society will be able to cope with the increase in numbers of elderly people today and how can it be managed? Give reasons for...

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