Which is a better version?
I'd like to invite native speakers to comment on the quality of the next two versions of the same Chinese poem. Which is a better version, and why? I know it can be difficult to comment without understanding the original version, so please base your verdict on only the English version. Thanks!
Version 1
Waves upon waves the Yangtze River rushes on its eastbound way
Its white crests wash away all the heroes, valiant and brave
Right or wrong, triumph or defeat, all is forgotten in the blink of an eye
What remains only are the hills, so green
and the glow of the sunset, so red.
Version 2
To the east the raging torrent of the Yangtze river flows
With it carrying away the past heroic men
All is fleeting, right or wrong, success or failure
Remain still the lush mountains
In the ever-recurring glow of a setting sun.
Top answer
Both are rather lumpy in their register and rhythm. I'd say that as they stand, the second is better only because it is shorter. You would do better to combine the best parts of both and then whittle it down some more—and of course punctuate: To the east the raging Yangtze flows, carrying away the heroes brave— all is fleeting, right or wrong, triumph or defeat.
- Both are rather lumpy in their register and rhythm.
- I'd say that as they stand, the second is better only because it is shorter.
- You would do better to combine the best parts of both and then whittle it down some more—and of course punctuate: To the east the raging Yangtze flows, carrying away the heroes brave— all is fleeting, right or wrong, triumph or defeat.
- Only the lush mountains remain in the glow of setting suns.
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Both are rather lumpy in their register and rhythm. I'd say that as they stand, the second is better only because it is shorter. You would do better to combine the best parts of both and then whittle it down some more—and of course punctuate:
To the east the raging Yangtze flows,
carrying away the heroes brave—
all is fleeting, right or wrong, triumph or defeat
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