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Mr. Tom Posted 9 years ago
Vocabulary

When he saw that the bandits with their ferocious weapons...

Hi

Could you please tell me if these lines are completely natural? Any suggestions are welcome.

When he saw that the bandits with their ferocious weapons were at his heels, and there was no way to escape, the defenseless William sat on the ground and curled himself up into a ball, his heart pounding hard. A few seconds later, he felt a powerful kick (mighty kick? offensive kick?) into his right ribs, followed by a sharp object stabbing into his back. The pain was excruciating. William made a squeaky sound and fell softly at the feet of his attackers. Then it was all dark.

Thanks,

Tom

  

Top answer

Nearly all of this is fine. "powerful kick" is natural. I would say "in his right ribs" rather than "into".

— GPY

  • Nearly all of this is fine.
  • "powerful kick" is natural.
  • I would say "in his right ribs" rather than "into".
  • I question whether "squeaky" is the best word.
  • I question whether he can "fall" if he is already curled up on the ground in a ball.
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1 Answers
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Nearly all of this is fine.

"powerful kick" is natural. I would say "in his right ribs" rather than "into".

I question whether "squeaky" is the best word.

I question whether he can "fall" if he is already curled up on the ground in a ball.

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