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Abri Posted 10 years ago

What would you suggest to help improve this poem for my mother?

I wrote this poem for my mother, but I'm not sure if some of the words and/or expressions I've used are correct and understandable. (In my opinion, the rhymes day and stay in the first stanza don't really sound good. What do you think are the alternative rhymes that I should use instead?)

What would you suggest to help improve this poem? Please help me.

Without you I can’t face the day.
I tremble when you’re out of sight;
Promise me that you’ll always stay
Whenever darkness reigns o’er light.

How you hold the key to my heart!
You hug me when I shake in fear;
In my life you play a huge part.
Please don’t ever leave me, my dear.

You’re the one I’ll forever hold
‘Cause you’ve loved me since I was born;
Your love is just as pure as gold.
You’ll mend my heart that has been torn.

I see you smile though your heart cries.
I’m sorry if I’ve made you sad;
For all my wrongs, my wicked lies
Please forgive me; please don’t get mad.

I know I’ve caused a lot of pain,
But, mom, misery isn’t your fate;
Insights ‘bout life from you I gain.
Upon God’s blessing simply wait.
  

Top answer

Hello, Abri—and welcome to English Forums. Thank you for registering as a member. Modern style does not capitalize each line but follows prose punctuation.

— Mister Micawber

  • Hello, Abri—and welcome to English Forums.
  • Thank you for registering as a member.
  • Modern style does not capitalize each line but follows prose punctuation.
  • And I can fix the meter a bit for you: Without you I can’t face the day; I tremble when you’re out of sight.
  • Please tell me that you’l l always stay whenever darkness reigns o’er light 'Cause to my heart you hold the key!
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8 Answers
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Hello, Abri—and welcome to English Forums. Thank you for registering as a member.
Modern style does not capitalize each line but follows prose punctuation. And I can fix the meter a bit for you:

Without you I can’t face the day;
I tremble when you’re out of sight.
Please tell me that you’ll always stay
whenever darkness reigns o’er light
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Thank you very much, Mister Micawber.
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I want to ask: Would it be OK if I rewrote the first stanza as follows? Does it sound good?

Another day I just can’t face
without you, mother, in my sight.
I long for your divine embrace
whenever darkness reigns o’er light.
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AbriWould it be OK if I rewrote the first stanza as follows? Does it sound good?
If you wish.
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Honestly speaking, before I posted my poem, I made the following revisions on the second and the third stanzas, but I’m not sure if these are correct, acceptable, and understandable: What do you think about these, Mister Micawber?

You hold the key to my heart, dear;
that’s why in fear I never shake,
nor do I shed a single tear
wh
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Thank you, Mister Micawber.
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AbriYou hold the key to my heart, dear;that’s why in fear I never shake,nor do I shed a single tearwhen I’m asleep or just awake. Oh, you’re the one I’ll ever holdbecause you’ve loved me since my birth!With all your sufferings untold,you’ve made me realize my worth.
The first line is off meter; the rest is OK.
Abriwhen I’m asleep or jus
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Mister Micawber, would it be acceptable then if I rewrote the second, third, and fourth stanzas as follows? Please let me know. Thank you, sir.

‘Cause to my heart the key you hold,
how blessed I’ve been since my birth!
With all your sufferings untold,
you’ve made me realize my worth.

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