What to do in life?

If you guys have a minute, let me tell you my life story. I was born in a foreign country, and my parents separated when I was a toddler. But that have never bothered me. In fact, I got quite annoyed when people asked me about how I feel about their separation. I never understood what kind of emotion I should have showed when people asked me these kind of questions. Moreover, I felt quite awkward when these topics arose. In addition, I was also separated from my younger brother. And again, I never uttered a single compassion about this matter. It has never bothered me until now. At this moment, I realize what went wrong in my youth. I finally understand why I am never genuinely happy and can't seem to enjoy the things that my peers enjoy.

I have severe depression, and I can't cope with social anxiety.

Yeah, I said it. I can finally be honest with myself. I, Klopper, have a problem. And this problem will haunt me for the rest of my life.

In my teenage years, I always thought when I am 18 everything will be OK. At home, I was physically and verbally abused.
However, I'm now already 23 and nothing has changed yet. Age difference won't change my state of mind.

So Klopper what is exactly bothering you? I haven't been happy since I was 12. I don't know why. I never enjoyed with the people whom I am with. I could never sustain friendships because I never made an effort to keep them as friends. People have reached out to me but I never bothered to value these relations. I cut ties with the people who considered me as their friend.

This kind of behavior hasn't bothered me in the past. But now it does. I realize I am on the way destroying myself. I don't have compassion, passion, and healthy relationships with friends and family. In fact, you could say I am all alone now. My state of mind holds me back to live life. I can't find the motivation to do things you are supposed to do. Finish college, find work, and enjoy life. Neither of these things seem to be interesting to me.

I am having not only more suicide thoughts lately but also troubles to keep up my mask that hides my void. The few people, who are still around me, are starting to notice the real me. My will to live on is fading away day by day.