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Case Posted 23 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
What person is this paragraph written in?
What person is this paragraph written in and how can one improve upon it (constructive or destructive criticism welcome)?
"Lake Malawi holds a dear place in my heart, for it is here that my mind travels to when my troubles overwhelm me. Picture yourself standing in front of a cottage that you just spent a night in. In front of you lies a treasure-trove of golden sand that tickles your feet with heat as you make your way to the water. Tickle is an understatement, since the sand absorbs the heat from the sun like a sponge absorbs water. You race across the sand escaping one obstacle only to be faced with another. You look down at the waves rhythmically colliding with the shore as they invite you to join the dance. The obstacle now facing you becomes more precious than gold, for nature knows no boundaries. The vastness of this blue body of water warmly welcomes you as you cast fear aside and boldly break that rhythm of nature. All your troubles dissipate as the cool current washes your soul clean. As you come out of the water to take a breath you find yourself back in the real world with a golden smile underneath the blue sky"
This is a paragraph I wrote for my english teahcer. I would like a second opinion on it. We were asked to write a paragragh with emphasis on "Description". My goal in this paragragh was to describe a place that I travel to in my mind except I place "you" there in my shoes experiencing it for yourself. Also if you were a teacher what would you give this essay out of 100%?
"Lake Malawi holds a dear place in my heart, for it is here that my mind travels to when my troubles overwhelm me. Picture yourself standing in front of a cottage that you just spent a night in. In front of you lies a treasure-trove of golden sand that tickles your feet with heat as you make your way to the water. Tickle is an understatement, since the sand absorbs the heat from the sun like a sponge absorbs water. You race across the sand escaping one obstacle only to be faced with another. You look down at the waves rhythmically colliding with the shore as they invite you to join the dance. The obstacle now facing you becomes more precious than gold, for nature knows no boundaries. The vastness of this blue body of water warmly welcomes you as you cast fear aside and boldly break that rhythm of nature. All your troubles dissipate as the cool current washes your soul clean. As you come out of the water to take a breath you find yourself back in the real world with a golden smile underneath the blue sky"
This is a paragraph I wrote for my english teahcer. I would like a second opinion on it. We were asked to write a paragragh with emphasis on "Description". My goal in this paragragh was to describe a place that I travel to in my mind except I place "you" there in my shoes experiencing it for yourself. Also if you were a teacher what would you give this essay out of 100%?
Top answer
I would say is beautifully written. I love the feelings in it.
- I would say is beautifully written.
- I love the feelings in it.
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