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Anonymous Posted 10 years ago
What do you think of this poem? Feedback please?
Keep in mind im 14, and ive just started poetry let alone autobiographical ones. This is for an assignment so feedback would be great! 
A hooded figure meets my gaze
“show yourself.”, my urgency cries
I search for eyes, for life
But only pools of ink return
A smile stitched on
A laugh on voicemail
A ripple runs through the ink
I gape, “who are you?”
The ink bubbles with heat
Splashes on bare parchment
Dark ink paints sunlight
The stitches fade
Our heads tilts up
Face the coverless sky
The figure frowns
Jumps with might, but falls
It reaches its shrivelled hand out
Repulsed, yet intrigued
Our hands touch
A star lowers and settles in the figures eyes
It’s midnight hair rustles
Colourful birds emerge
Fly away, singing off key
Showering us with rainbow feathers
A croak sounds from its throat
Laughs rise as colours
Heavenly sound harmonizes
With another, I found to be mine
It wiggles its head
Reveals a pink tongue
Sways its arms like jelly
We dance with joy in the air
A wise grey mist surrounds
Escaping from its temple
It runs, seeking knowledge
Uneasiness surrounds
It floats to my mother
To my brother
But they’re blinded
For rainbow feathers is all they see
The figures winks
As the room spins
Evening waters and morning air
It sighs and loses itself in the beauty
Words flow out of my mouth
Worries, insecurities, everything
Its arm snakes around me
Seething comfort
“But who are you?”, I whisper
It only stares back
I gasp, the eyes, the hair
I sigh and smile back at myself
I set the mirror down
And stare at the river infront
A hooded figure meets my gaze
“show yourself.”, my urgency cries
I search for eyes, for life
But only pools of ink return
A smile stitched on
A laugh on voicemail
A ripple runs through the ink
I gape, “who are you?”
The ink bubbles with heat
Splashes on bare parchment
Dark ink paints sunlight
The stitches fade
Our heads tilts up
Face the coverless sky
The figure frowns
Jumps with might, but falls
It reaches its shrivelled hand out
Repulsed, yet intrigued
Our hands touch
A star lowers and settles in the figures eyes
It’s midnight hair rustles
Colourful birds emerge
Fly away, singing off key
Showering us with rainbow feathers
A croak sounds from its throat
Laughs rise as colours
Heavenly sound harmonizes
With another, I found to be mine
It wiggles its head
Reveals a pink tongue
Sways its arms like jelly
We dance with joy in the air
A wise grey mist surrounds
Escaping from its temple
It runs, seeking knowledge
Uneasiness surrounds
It floats to my mother
To my brother
But they’re blinded
For rainbow feathers is all they see
The figures winks
As the room spins
Evening waters and morning air
It sighs and loses itself in the beauty
Words flow out of my mouth
Worries, insecurities, everything
Its arm snakes around me
Seething comfort
“But who are you?”, I whisper
It only stares back
I gasp, the eyes, the hair
I sigh and smile back at myself
I set the mirror down
And stare at the river infront
Top answer
" I think this is just a typo: - Our heads tilt up The word "it's" has no apostrophe if it is possessive: - Its midnight hair rustles ... but you do need it in: - in the figure's eyes In the last verse but one, I wondered if you meant 'seething comfort' or 'seeking comfort', but either works 'In front', I think, has to be two words But, it's good - I liked it a lot Dave
- " I think this is just a typo: - Our heads tilt up The word "it's" has no apostrophe if it is possessive: - Its midnight hair rustles ...
- but you do need it in: - in the figure's eyes In the last verse but one, I wondered if you meant 'seething comfort' or 'seeking comfort', but either works 'In front', I think, has to be two words But, it's good - I liked it a lot Dave
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1 Answers
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Hi
I like it - I think the mood of it is really good, so I'll just do some boring stuff:
I would use capitals at the beginning of quotes:
- A hooded figure meets my gaze, “Show yourself."
- I gape, "Who are you?"
I think this is just a typo:
- Our heads tilt up
The word "it's" has no apostrophe if it is possessive:
- Its midnight hair rustle
I like it - I think the mood of it is really good, so I'll just do some boring stuff:
I would use capitals at the beginning of quotes:
- A hooded figure meets my gaze, “Show yourself."
- I gape, "Who are you?"
I think this is just a typo:
- Our heads tilt up
The word "it's" has no apostrophe if it is possessive:
- Its midnight hair rustle
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