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Usenet Posted 17 years ago
Screenwriting
WHALE. Script sample for comment.
Here's the start of a possible eco thriller.
Any comments on
1) The characters
2) The dialog
3) The writing
4) What do you think happens between Jankins and Kimberly?
FADE IN:
INT. JANKINS OFFICE - DAY
MARSHALL JANKINS (30s), sits working on a laptop in his office. It is untidy with books, magazines, papers etc on marine themes fighting for the limited space. The phone RINGS.
JANKINS
Jankins.
(beat)
Hey Bob, what's up?
BOB TOLLIVER
(filtered)
Another stranding. But I don't
think this one's gonna make it.
JANKINS
Okay, be there in ten.
Jankins looks serious as he replaces the receiver. He crosses to a locked CABINET and pulls out a RIFLE IN A HOLSTER and AMMUNITION. He picks up his CAR KEYS and leaves.
EXT. STRANDED WHALE - DAY
A WHALE about two metres long lies on the beach with just its tail in the water. A small CROWD has gathered. Some have put their beach towels on the whale to shade it. A few children pour water on the whale with their buckets. The whale, clearly exhausted, breathes with difficulty.
BOB TOLLIVER, a young, solid-looking guy in work clothes, looks up as an SUV approaches. He makes an opening in the crowd.
BOB TOLLIVER
Okay folks. Make way, make way.
Jankins pulls up in the SUV with "Cetacean Research" painted on the sides and jumps out next to Tolliver.
JANKINS
Doesn't look good.
He walks up to the whale and feels its flanks. For the first time we notice the whale's ribs are prominent.
JANKINS
My God, it's actually starving.
I've never seen a skinny whale
before.
BOB TOLLIVER
Must be sick.
JANKINS
Or a gut obstruction. Eating
plastic most likely.
BOB TOLLIVER
So what you think?
JANKINS
You were right. Can't be saved.
We'll dissect it and see what we
can learn.
Tolliver takes the towels off the whale and throws them to the crowd. He makes backing away motions.
BOB TOLLIVER
Okay folks, show's over. Please,
back off, back off.
Meanwhile Jankins unzips the rifle lying in the SUV. There is a MURMUR OF DISSENT from the crowd when they see the rifle. Jankins grabs a microphone on the dashboard.
JANKINS
(over SUV's loudspeaker)
I AM DOCTOR MARSHALL JANKINS OF
CETACEAN RESEARCH. IN MY
PROFESSIONAL OPINION WE CANNOT
SAVE THIS WHALE. PLEASE TURN AWAY,
AND COVER THE EYES OF THE CHILDREN.
Without delay, Jankins turns to the whale and raises his rifle. BANG! BANG! Two shots and it's over.
The crowd turn to look at the whale. Most of them look distressed. One small boy, ERNEST, SNIVELS a little. Tolliver tries to comfort him.
BOB TOLLIVER
Son, sometimes life is tough. But
we are going to study this whale,
and what we learn from this whale
will make life easier for all the
other whales out there.
The boy's FATHER drags him away.
ERNEST'S FATHER
Huh. Make life easier for Rover,
more likely. They'll turn that
thing into pet food.
Jankins meanwhile is taking measurements of the whale with a TAPE MEASURE.
JANKINS
Two point five metres. About two
tons. Bob, organize a truck and a
loader, will you. I'll go prep
the lab.
Jankins climbs back in the SUV. He is about to pull away when someone BANGS on the vehicle.
VOICE (O.S.)
Hey!
It is Ernest's mother, KIMBERLY, with Ernest in tow. His father stands at a distance. She is young and intense, but very attractive in her bikini with a shirt and sun hat.
JANKINS
Yeah?
KIMBERLY
Are you just driving off like that?
JANKINS
Yeah.
KIMBERLY
No no ceremony for this
magnificent creature you just
callously shot? No, uh, reverence
for a fellow sentient being? Just,
wham bam, thank you, uh, whale?
JANKINS
Yeah.
KIMBERLY
Oh, you men are all alike.
Heartless, heartless creatures.
Come on, Ernest.
JANKINS
Hey lady. I've spent my life
studying whales. I'll be up all
night dissecting this one while
it's fresh. I'm not one of those
heartless men, as you call them.
KIMBERLY
Oh no? In your big motor car
burning oil that comes in tankers
that spill it into the sea. With
your big gun that kills so many
living things. You're not one of
them? Pah! You are so deep up the
backside of the system you don't
even notice the smell any more.
Kimberly stalks off, dragging Ernest with her. Her husband gives Jankins the look of a fellow sufferer, then follows.
JANKINS
Sheesh.
Shaking his head he drives off. Tolliver speaks on his cell phone. The crowd disperses.
Martin B
Any comments on
1) The characters
2) The dialog
3) The writing
4) What do you think happens between Jankins and Kimberly?
FADE IN:
INT. JANKINS OFFICE - DAY
MARSHALL JANKINS (30s), sits working on a laptop in his office. It is untidy with books, magazines, papers etc on marine themes fighting for the limited space. The phone RINGS.
JANKINS
Jankins.
(beat)
Hey Bob, what's up?
BOB TOLLIVER
(filtered)
Another stranding. But I don't
think this one's gonna make it.
JANKINS
Okay, be there in ten.
Jankins looks serious as he replaces the receiver. He crosses to a locked CABINET and pulls out a RIFLE IN A HOLSTER and AMMUNITION. He picks up his CAR KEYS and leaves.
EXT. STRANDED WHALE - DAY
A WHALE about two metres long lies on the beach with just its tail in the water. A small CROWD has gathered. Some have put their beach towels on the whale to shade it. A few children pour water on the whale with their buckets. The whale, clearly exhausted, breathes with difficulty.
BOB TOLLIVER, a young, solid-looking guy in work clothes, looks up as an SUV approaches. He makes an opening in the crowd.
BOB TOLLIVER
Okay folks. Make way, make way.
Jankins pulls up in the SUV with "Cetacean Research" painted on the sides and jumps out next to Tolliver.
JANKINS
Doesn't look good.
He walks up to the whale and feels its flanks. For the first time we notice the whale's ribs are prominent.
JANKINS
My God, it's actually starving.
I've never seen a skinny whale
before.
BOB TOLLIVER
Must be sick.
JANKINS
Or a gut obstruction. Eating
plastic most likely.
BOB TOLLIVER
So what you think?
JANKINS
You were right. Can't be saved.
We'll dissect it and see what we
can learn.
Tolliver takes the towels off the whale and throws them to the crowd. He makes backing away motions.
BOB TOLLIVER
Okay folks, show's over. Please,
back off, back off.
Meanwhile Jankins unzips the rifle lying in the SUV. There is a MURMUR OF DISSENT from the crowd when they see the rifle. Jankins grabs a microphone on the dashboard.
JANKINS
(over SUV's loudspeaker)
I AM DOCTOR MARSHALL JANKINS OF
CETACEAN RESEARCH. IN MY
PROFESSIONAL OPINION WE CANNOT
SAVE THIS WHALE. PLEASE TURN AWAY,
AND COVER THE EYES OF THE CHILDREN.
Without delay, Jankins turns to the whale and raises his rifle. BANG! BANG! Two shots and it's over.
The crowd turn to look at the whale. Most of them look distressed. One small boy, ERNEST, SNIVELS a little. Tolliver tries to comfort him.
BOB TOLLIVER
Son, sometimes life is tough. But
we are going to study this whale,
and what we learn from this whale
will make life easier for all the
other whales out there.
The boy's FATHER drags him away.
ERNEST'S FATHER
Huh. Make life easier for Rover,
more likely. They'll turn that
thing into pet food.
Jankins meanwhile is taking measurements of the whale with a TAPE MEASURE.
JANKINS
Two point five metres. About two
tons. Bob, organize a truck and a
loader, will you. I'll go prep
the lab.
Jankins climbs back in the SUV. He is about to pull away when someone BANGS on the vehicle.
VOICE (O.S.)
Hey!
It is Ernest's mother, KIMBERLY, with Ernest in tow. His father stands at a distance. She is young and intense, but very attractive in her bikini with a shirt and sun hat.
JANKINS
Yeah?
KIMBERLY
Are you just driving off like that?
JANKINS
Yeah.
KIMBERLY
No no ceremony for this
magnificent creature you just
callously shot? No, uh, reverence
for a fellow sentient being? Just,
wham bam, thank you, uh, whale?
JANKINS
Yeah.
KIMBERLY
Oh, you men are all alike.
Heartless, heartless creatures.
Come on, Ernest.
JANKINS
Hey lady. I've spent my life
studying whales. I'll be up all
night dissecting this one while
it's fresh. I'm not one of those
heartless men, as you call them.
KIMBERLY
Oh no? In your big motor car
burning oil that comes in tankers
that spill it into the sea. With
your big gun that kills so many
living things. You're not one of
them? Pah! You are so deep up the
backside of the system you don't
even notice the smell any more.
Kimberly stalks off, dragging Ernest with her. Her husband gives Jankins the look of a fellow sufferer, then follows.
JANKINS
Sheesh.
Shaking his head he drives off. Tolliver speaks on his cell phone. The crowd disperses.
Martin B
Top answer
[nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller. Any comments on 1) The characters[/nq] Well, Jankins seems to be really cold. These people are trying to save the whale and he shoots the thing in front of them.
- [nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller.
- Any comments on 1) The characters[/nq] Well, Jankins seems to be really cold.
- These people are trying to save the whale and he shoots the thing in front of them.
- I'm not even a "whales are people" kind of person but that seems callous.
- And he's driving a SUV an eco warrior?
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4 Answers
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[nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller. Any comments on 1) The characters[/nq]
Well, Jankins seems to be really cold. These people are trying to save the whale and he shoots the thing in front of them. I'm not even a "whales are people" kind of person but that seems callous. And he's driving a SUV an eco warrior?
[nq:1]2) The dialog[/nq]
Too much "on the nose" especially in
Well, Jankins seems to be really cold. These people are trying to save the whale and he shoots the thing in front of them. I'm not even a "whales are people" kind of person but that seems callous. And he's driving a SUV an eco warrior?
[nq:1]2) The dialog[/nq]
Too much "on the nose" especially in
00
Seems to "set-up-y". Instead of the camera happening to catch these people in the midst of their lives. Came across like you were setting things in motion. Which of course you have to do, set things in motion. It takes panache to set things in motion but not look like that's what you're doing. BTW South Africa makes some really nice red wines.
00
[nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller. Any comments on 1) The characters 2) The dialog 3) The writing ... JANKINS Sheesh. Shaking his head he drives off. Tolliver speaks on his cell phone. The crowd disperses. Martin B[/nq]
Why is there a beat in the very first line of dialouge? Seems to me a strange place for it. A beat is a change, a turn, an interruption of the tale's status quo
Why is there a beat in the very first line of dialouge? Seems to me a strange place for it. A beat is a change, a turn, an interruption of the tale's status quo
00
Tried to post this last night/this morning early, and it didn't take. I'll try to reconstruct from memory, before I read the comments added since then.
[nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller. Any comments on 1) The characters[/nq]
Very matter-of-fact; too much so. A beached and stranded whale isn't business as usual, and if it's become business as usual, then that in itself is u
[nq:1]Here's the start of a possible eco thriller. Any comments on 1) The characters[/nq]
Very matter-of-fact; too much so. A beached and stranded whale isn't business as usual, and if it's become business as usual, then that in itself is u
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