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Contiluo Posted 11 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing
Volunteer abroad
The article originally written by a student has been revised by me. Please help me correct the errors. Thanks!
Self-Introduction
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I have been a cooperative and obedient student in my teachers’ eyes, and I think it’s my concern for others that makes me popular. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. Though I am an introvert and tend to get nervous when making speeches, I get along with close friends and enjoy chatting with them. I am generally considered obliging and almost always am willing to do what friends want. Let me talk about my favorites.
First, I like to play Blocks, which is a logic puzzle game with 100 levels to twist one’s brain, giving my brain a workout. Playing Blocks requires a huge amount of concentration and memorization, so it helps me cultivate my creativity, train my divergent thinking, and improve my patience.
Second, my favorite food is curry. Curry originated in India, and it’s strongly associated with Thai, Indonesian, and other Southeast Asian cuisines, but today curry is a popular dish nearly everywhere in the world. I especially love Indian curry recipes which are world famous for their lip smacking taste and variety. With their intoxicating spices and complex flavors, Indian curries make my taste buds stand to attention with the mixture of fragrant herbs and spices.
Third, my favorite subjects is social studies—geography, history, and civics. Studying geography teaches about people and their societies, economies, cultures and the environment. By studying history we can understand how the modern world evolved over a long centuries of development. We study civics so we can learn how laws are made in this country, about our rights and duties as a citizen. A knowledge of the social sciences can help us improve our societies. Social studies helps me develop a constructive and flexible imagination. It can make me think.
Fourth, I have a favorite hobby. I keep cats as wonderful pets because I have a benevolent feeling towards all cats. I love my cats because they are so attuned to what I feel. My cats know when I am unhappy and will purr and rub up against me until I feel better. And my cats also feel. They are my loving companions. Just looking at them can put me in a more relaxed mood. Is there anything better than a cat waiting for you when you come home? I know my cats miss me when I am away. Cats are so expressive!
Besides, I have two short-term goals. One is to lose weight. Honestly, I'm not happy with my appearance. I just don't feel comfortable in my clothes, so I want to improve my health and participate in more things and feel comfortable in my body. More importantly, I should be eating healthier and exercising more consistently than I have been over the past couple of years. Another is to obtain the Certificate of the Intermediate Level of General English Proficiency Test. A GEPT certificate can be used to measure a person’s speaking, listening, reading or writing ability to English. It will help me get into a prestigious senior high school.
In summary, I'm an ordinary student with many dreams. In the future, I plan to volunteer abroad for at least one year. Volunteering abroad will expose me to the harsh reality that many less fortunate people face on a daily basis. I’m willing to help out those in need. Life is about challenging myself, so I will try something different to what I’m used to.
Thanks for your attention!
Self-Introduction
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I have been a cooperative and obedient student in my teachers’ eyes, and I think it’s my concern for others that makes me popular. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. Though I am an introvert and tend to get nervous when making speeches, I get along with close friends and enjoy chatting with them. I am generally considered obliging and almost always am willing to do what friends want. Let me talk about my favorites.
First, I like to play Blocks, which is a logic puzzle game with 100 levels to twist one’s brain, giving my brain a workout. Playing Blocks requires a huge amount of concentration and memorization, so it helps me cultivate my creativity, train my divergent thinking, and improve my patience.
Second, my favorite food is curry. Curry originated in India, and it’s strongly associated with Thai, Indonesian, and other Southeast Asian cuisines, but today curry is a popular dish nearly everywhere in the world. I especially love Indian curry recipes which are world famous for their lip smacking taste and variety. With their intoxicating spices and complex flavors, Indian curries make my taste buds stand to attention with the mixture of fragrant herbs and spices.
Third, my favorite subjects is social studies—geography, history, and civics. Studying geography teaches about people and their societies, economies, cultures and the environment. By studying history we can understand how the modern world evolved over a long centuries of development. We study civics so we can learn how laws are made in this country, about our rights and duties as a citizen. A knowledge of the social sciences can help us improve our societies. Social studies helps me develop a constructive and flexible imagination. It can make me think.
Fourth, I have a favorite hobby. I keep cats as wonderful pets because I have a benevolent feeling towards all cats. I love my cats because they are so attuned to what I feel. My cats know when I am unhappy and will purr and rub up against me until I feel better. And my cats also feel. They are my loving companions. Just looking at them can put me in a more relaxed mood. Is there anything better than a cat waiting for you when you come home? I know my cats miss me when I am away. Cats are so expressive!
Besides, I have two short-term goals. One is to lose weight. Honestly, I'm not happy with my appearance. I just don't feel comfortable in my clothes, so I want to improve my health and participate in more things and feel comfortable in my body. More importantly, I should be eating healthier and exercising more consistently than I have been over the past couple of years. Another is to obtain the Certificate of the Intermediate Level of General English Proficiency Test. A GEPT certificate can be used to measure a person’s speaking, listening, reading or writing ability to English. It will help me get into a prestigious senior high school.
In summary, I'm an ordinary student with many dreams. In the future, I plan to volunteer abroad for at least one year. Volunteering abroad will expose me to the harsh reality that many less fortunate people face on a daily basis. I’m willing to help out those in need. Life is about challenging myself, so I will try something different to what I’m used to.
Thanks for your attention!
Top answer
Perhaps you could post his original essay as well. Maybe one paragraph of his original and one of your revision on one post so it's not so long. It does not sound like any 14-year-old boy I know.
- Perhaps you could post his original essay as well.
- Maybe one paragraph of his original and one of your revision on one post so it's not so long.
- It does not sound like any 14-year-old boy I know.
- ("I have a benevolent feeling towards all cats" is simply not a normal thing for a kid that age to say.
- "I really like cats" is what most would say.
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6 Answers
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Perhaps you could post his original essay as well. Maybe one paragraph of his original and one of your revision on one post so it's not so long.
It does not sound like any 14-year-old boy I know. ("I have a benevolent feeling towards all cats" is simply not a normal thing for a kid that age to say. "I really like cats" is what most would say. It's what I would say.)
It does not sound like any 14-year-old boy I know. ("I have a benevolent feeling towards all cats" is simply not a normal thing for a kid that age to say. "I really like cats" is what most would say. It's what I would say.)
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Self-Introduction
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. I get along with close friends and enjoy chatting with them. Let me talk about my favorites.
First, I like to play Blocks, which is a logic puzzle game to twist one’s brain, giving
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. I get along with close friends and enjoy chatting with them. Let me talk about my favorites.
First, I like to play Blocks, which is a logic puzzle game to twist one’s brain, giving
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contiluoI used to be everybody’s friendWhat do you mean by used to be? This is odd.
contiluoLet me talk about my favoritesFavorites or favourites http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/favourite of what? Th
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So your second post is what the student wrote, and your first post is your revision of it?
You have added many things the student didn't write.
That is not editing or proofreading.
He wrote this:
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. I
You have added many things the student didn't write.
That is not editing or proofreading.
He wrote this:
Hello, everyone! My name is Gimmy. I’m a 14 year old boy. I am a Scorpio. I used to be everybody’s friend because I’m enthusiastic and I always come to someone’s rescue. I
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Here are the reasons why I add all the text in bold:
1. I understand his personality.
2. I want to give him a more detailed description to make its content substantiated.
3. Undoubtedly, some of the text are exaggerated and superfluous.
1. I understand his personality.
2. I want to give him a more detailed description to make its content substantiated.
3. Undoubtedly, some of the text are exaggerated and superfluous.
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You are not helping your students by adding content to their essays that they did not include, especially when you write in a voice that it completely unlike their own.
Don't add content that they have not included. If you think the essay does not have enough detail, then you should add a comment like "Why do you think this is true?" or "Write more about this" or "Include a paragraph abou
Don't add content that they have not included. If you think the essay does not have enough detail, then you should add a comment like "Why do you think this is true?" or "Write more about this" or "Include a paragraph abou
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