[Urgent]Could u read my statement and give me some comments, plz!~ thz:-)

I am applying a university and it requires me to write a supporting statement.
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Please provide a brief statement to support your application, including reasons why you wish to study the course. Your statement should also include details of any relevant experience hobbies or interests.

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My name is X. At the moment, I am in progress of completing the final year of the Higher diploma of Fashion Merchandising and Retailing course at the XXX. I am considering of taking a BA (Hons) Fashion Management Course in XXX which is renowned as the leader of fashion colleges in U.K.

I am interested in management since I was young . I like leading people and making decision. Also, getting the latest, trendiest information or technology can fulfill my curiosity I would like to do a job that is full of challenging .Fashion industry is a fast changing industry, new and creative designs are released everyday which accommodate all my future career prospects.

Because of my outgoing and friendly personality, I was a representative of my secondary school to join the Leadership Course which was held by XX(A government youth organization in HK). I was trained to be a leader and was given chances to guide my teammates. Also, as a scout leader for 4 years, I was presented a Chief Scout Awards. These activities provided me an opportunity in developing leadership and teamwork skills as well as communication with others.

Never content with just performing well in schools, I have been keen in obtaining hands-on experience. To understand the real problems in real life and thus put what I have learned from books into practice, I worked as a temporarily assistant merchandiser in a fashion buying office (X) from Jul,2005 to Aug 2005. During which, I gained invaluable experience with the work in fashion field. My regular work was assisting merchandiser, such as filing, making calls to factory or fabric dealers, sorting fabric and mailing sample. In the year of 2006, I was re-employed by the same company for a summer job. Also, I was a part-time promoter of MP3 player (X) and PDA (X) from 2005 to 2006. I was responsible to promote products in retail outlets on weekends. It allowed me to obtain the marketing skills in dealing with people from all walks of life.

Having carefully considered the demands and pressures of working in fashion industry, I feel that a career as a fashion merchandiser/buyer will be both stimulating and satisfying. The opportunity and privilege to interact with people of all ages and backgrounds will be very rewarding as well as interesting, and I look forward to studying Fashion Management in your esteemed college.

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Thank you for your time and patience!! :-) thanks