URGENT: Undergraduate Personal Statement

Hello, this is a personal statement for a university I will apply to in Asia. I need to submit this soon already, so I really hope that the way I answered it is correct. I have trouble with wording and some grammar/punctuation, so please help fix any mistakes or tell me if there is a better way I can phrase some things that sound awkward or out of place. Thank you!

The prompt:
Please give a short statement that describes your personal experience, educational background, and objectives and motivation in undertaking the course/major at University.

If anyone were to ask a close friend or family member about my personality, they could say any one of these things: "[J] is loud, assertive, and can convince most people to believe that they want something even when they don't." This is how I am, and I utilize it. Innate social skills and communication, I discovered, are invaluable in business. This is one element I appreciate. Some people may go their whole lives not knowing who they are, but undoubtedly I know that I was born for a career in business.

For the last three years, I have taken much pleasure in working alongside my father, studying the inner-workings of a business from the very man I looked up to as a child. An MBA holder from Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management, my father spent ample time molding me into a decisive decision-maker and a man who could stand on my own two feet. I greater improved these qualities since the day I eagerly stepped into his office, with him as my mentor. When I started working with him, he was a shareholder, CEO, and CMO of a casino in Jeju Island, taking responsibility of its marketing and operations. Now he owns a casino in Jeju, and takes control of marketing for other casinos in South Korea, Cambodia, Macau, and other places in Asia. As we worked together and I witnessed the changes in his career as they occured, I was able to gain more insight as to what I could expect in the scope of marketing management., and how to take over higher positions in management.

Learning about the hotel and gaming industry in Asia required me to gain essential knowledge about the intricacies and mechanisms of Asian gaming. By meeting clients and making deals with foreign investors, I was able to discern the utmost importance of networking for the benefit of a company and to make good business relationships as a means of having a strong support system. I learned how valuable trust is in order to collaborate and make transactions with another party, and that no business can ever truly stand on its own. The type of human interaction involved to run a successful enterprise is one aspect that draws me into a career in business.

Seeing my father's company grow little-by-little as a result of my current networking capability, gave me a sense of my own potential as a businessman. My main job working with the casinos involved me meeting with and influencing agents who would help attract high-rollers. Because of the connections I made with high-profile individuals, I am thrilled to say that my efforts resulted in positively affecting the casino's income.

When I am not traveling city-to-city to meet with agents or investors, I enjoy traveling recreationally as a means of understanding other cultures on a personal level; not only for work purposes. I like being exposed to unfamiliar ways of doing things, because it reminds me that there are always multiple ways of getting something done. Although I can be very particular with my views about certain issues, I realize that in business it is important to stay open-minded, especially when working with people from other countries.

I am driven, self-motivated, and eagerly anticipate the challenges I will face in the university and in my career. I know that the road to becoming a successful businessman will be strenuous, but I believe that the intensity of my passion and commitment have only grown stronger thanks to the work experience I have had in business so far.