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Naked chef Posted 15 years ago
Essay & Composition Writing

Urgent! please help me with english

Dear all,

This is the letter of sponsorship appeal for the chairty fete. i would like to make sure to correct my English before i submit.

could you please help me with correcting my english?

Thanks in advance

Naked Chef

"Dear Sir/Madam,



We would like to introduce you to our CBO (Community Base Organisation) called xxxxx.

Here is a brief background of our CBO



xx is an independent body which aims to develop a volunteer spirit in young people and to create opportunities for young people to use their skills and abilities by helping the underprivileged children and the elderly people. (org name) was originally established in August 200x.



Our main objectives:


  • To build Civic Awareness
  • To give health-care and education to needy people
  • To give care of the physical, mental and psychological health of the community
  • To help ease sufferings of needy people
  • To motivate volunteers’ team spirit, cooperation, communication skill, organising and strategic managements skills


(org: name) covers in the following areas: Education, Health, Social Welfare and Networking.



Activities:

Education:
  • primary school is set up at xx village
  • Free English Classes for (places name)
  • Education projects for Disabilities and Blind school
  • Mobile library at E4Y , blind school and women development association
  • Conducting teachers training workshop for the teachers from monastery, nunnery schools in order to upgrade their teaching skill
Health:
  • Mobile clinic to blind school, monastery school, nunnery schools, women development association
  • Fixed clinic at (place name)
  • Conducting health talks by the (org name)volunteer doctors to underprivileged people who are lack of hygienic knowledge
Social Welfare
  • Elderly care project at (place name)Township: Food and nutrition support to vulnerable and needy old people once a month. Volunteers contribute their precious time with lonely old people by being with them half of the day too ease their loneliness
  • Mobile clinic for elderly people



  • Vulnerable Children Development
  • Street children project: education, food and nutrition support coordinated with UNICEF, to provide moral support.
  • HHHP project: Organising fun trip around (places name…so on) for the children who suffer HIV positive
  • Blind School: Volunteers are contributing their time with blind by doing in reading out stories (which can provide them with a lot of fun and entertainment and also give them moral support or some environmental issue in order to provide updated information about what happening on our earth
  • Tree planting and Anti-Plastic campaign
  • Last Activity
(org name)contributed their effort in bringing relief to the victims who are hit by Nargis cyclone



(title of funfair name)



Coming on 27th of November 2011, (org;name) is organising Charity Funfair which is mainly for young people including children from underprivileged families and vulnerable children in order to give opportunity to show their performance. All the money we collect from the funfair will go to the charity for education grant for underprivileged children and food, nutrition and health care support to needy people.

the Fair will be held at (place) and time. About 1000 audiences are expected to come and most of them are students from age of 13 to 30.



The event will be in the form of performance by underprivileged children, various kinds of shops and games and music band with famous singers.



Program



16.00hr

Funfair open, audiences can enjoy various kinds of shops and games



16.30hr

Performance by children from school from blind, monastery and nunnery schools, orphanage and others



17.45hr

Giving award to the best performance group

18.00hr

Music show by famous singers

22.00

Funfair closing ceremony by singing songs together



Sponsor Benefits
  • This funfair is organised by young people and most of the audience will be students from xx, xx, and Business management training centres, international schools and others from language centres.
  • We believe it is a golden chance to promote your services among young people by participating in this charity funfair.
  • You can also show your contribution spirit in hand to hand with the young generations.
  • Your logo and name will be displayed on posters and tickets.
  • The announcer will introduce about your company profile and business activities in brief during the interval times
  • Your sponsorship will be mention in the media
Sponsor Packs



Diamond sponsorship – 15, 00,000

Gold sponsorship – 1000, 000

Silver sponsorship – 5, 00,000
  • Logo and name display on tickets and posters
  • You can distribute your pamphlets to audiences
  • Present the honorary certificates as an agenda in between the performance
  • A 9 square feet stall, which includes two tables and three chairs will be given for free of charge,
  • if you would like to sell your products. "


We are looking forward hearing good news from you soon. By contributing this fair you will make underprivileged people happy and educated.
  

Top answer

Basically, it was too wordy. I have also corrected grammar and punctuation. Dear Sir/Madam, We would like to introduce you to our CBO (Community-based Organisation), xxxxx.

— Mister Micawber

  • Basically, it was too wordy.
  • I have also corrected grammar and punctuation.
  • Dear Sir/Madam, We would like to introduce you to our CBO (Community-based Organisation), xxxxx.
  • Established in 200x, (org name) is an independent body which aims to develop a volunteer spirit in young people and create opportunities for them to use their skills and abilities in helping underprivileged children and the elderly.
  • Our main objectives: To build civic Awareness To offer healthcare and education to the needy To tend to the physical, mental and psychological health of the community To help ease the sufferings of the needy To motivate team spirit, cooperation, communication, organisation and strategic management skills of volunteers (Org name) Activities: Education Primary school established at xx village Free English classes at (places name) Education projects for the blind and disabled Mobile library at E4Y, school for the blind, and women's development association Teacher training workshops for teachers from monastery and nunnery schools Health Mobile clinic for school for the blind, monastery and nunnery schools, women's development association Fixed clinic at (place name) Health and hygiene talks by (org name) volunteer doctors for the underprivileged Social Welfare Elderly care project at (place name)Township: food and nutrition support for vulnerable and needy senior citizens once a month.
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3 Answers
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Basically, it was too wordy. I have also corrected grammar and punctuation.

Dear Sir/Madam,

We would like to introduce you to our CBO (Community-based Organisation), xxxxx.

Established in 200x, (org name) is an independent body which aims to develop a volunteer spirit in young people and create opportunities for them to use their skills and abilities in
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Dear Mister Micawber,

I've just read your reply. It is really helpful for me. Actually I have nobody to correct my English. I think this is very important for me because I'm going to submit this sponsor letter to the foreign organization.

Dear Mister Micawber! how can i ever thank you? .....I'm from burma. please don't hestitate to tell me if you have anything that i can help you
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Our pleasure, NC. If I visit Burma, I'll PM you first.
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