Urgent Motivation letter for University in UK - Please help!!

0Hello everybody,02br
02br
00This is my sceond post on this great website. Nobody replied to my first post, and this is quite urgent. I just need someone to look over my motivation letter and give some feedback/tips/hints.02br
02br
00I'm a South-African in the process of applying for a degree at a university in the UK. They require a personal statement written by the applicant. 02br
02br
00I would really appreciate any help from anyone regarding this. This is what I've written so far:02br
02br
00To whom it may concern; 02br
00February 20, 200702br
02br
00APPLICATION FOR INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING DEGREE 2007/200802br
02br
00Dear Sir/Madam02br
02br
00Please consider my application for the Industrial Engineering degree at the University of *** for the academic year 2007/2008.02br
02br
00After completing the Industrial Engineering degree, I want to further my studies in Business Administration. My career ambition is to start a successful engineering business after a few years of quality and hard earned experience at a leading engineering company.02br
02br
00With my personal traits and a sound scientific-academic background, I will be well prepared for the business world. The Industrial Engineering degree will provide an excellent pathway to business. 02br
02br
00I’ve excelled in maths and science from childhood straight through to university level. Problem-solving and system orientated thinking has always been one of my talents, and I have won awards to this effect. 02br
02br
00Participating in all kinds of sports taught me the valuable lessons of teamwork, how to win, how to work hard, how to focus and concentrate and how to balance my time and priorities. (I have participated in athletics, played rugby, and at present play tennis and golf)02br
02br
00In January 2003, I was accepted at the University of Pretoria for a full-time degree in Computer Engineering (B.Eng), of which I have successfully completed a whole range of subjects (list available). 02br
02br
00 In addition to my degree-studies I started my own computer company (YYY Corporation) which has taught me about the challenges of a business environment over a period of three years.02br
02br
00 Through my company I’ve developed a strong analytical and creative business mind. During this time I’ve learned how to apply sound business management principles to increase the productivity of the business. 02br
02br
00Furthering my education in Industrial Engineering at University of *** will enable me to excel in my chosen field of interest namely to apply a systematic and problem-solving approach to business related issues. I strive to better understand the principles and theories of management and productivity, combined with real world experience, which will allow me to develop interesting and significant business solutions. I’m confident that the Industrial Engineering degree offered by the University of *** will provide me with the knowledge and confidence to realize my ambitions02br
02br
00I hope that I will be accepted as an applicant in the 2007/2008 academic years. I am confident that I am qualified and prepared to meet all requirements of the application. I would be grateful if you could give my application your most favourable consideration.02br
02br
00Kindly contact me if you require any further details or documents. I hope to hear from you in the near future.02br
02br
00Yours faithfully,02br
02br
00Abcdefg Hijklmn02br
02br
00I would really appreciate any help. Thank you in advance.0-