URGENT, letter of motivation to correct.

Can one of the gurus of this forum please correct my letter? I am trying to send it together with a visa change of status to the immigration people and basically I need to convince them that my education is the priority and not staying in the US after I finish. It is a rough draft so please, any correctures and suggestions at all welcome.

Thank you very much,
Mihai


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to express my interest in the undergraduate program I applied for at University of XXX, seeking to obtain a Bachelor’s Degree in Computer Science.

I have spent most of my life in my country of residence, Romania, getting an education in the Information Technology field. Having graduated high school in my home city, XXX, I continued my education at University of XXX, Faculty of Mathematics and Computer Science, where I already have completed three years of study. During the period October 2004 – April 2005 I was also granted an Erasmus scholarship in a student exchange program at University of XXX, Italy. Up to now I have obtained remarkable academic results and my hard work has been rewarded in time both through scholarships and gained knowledge that I consider a solid base for what I am planning to pursue at this point in my life.

My goal is to get consistent knowledge in order to follow a career that is ultimately directed into the business opportunities that such a vast field as the Information Technology has to offer. During my cultural exchange summer program in USA this year, I did some research about the American learning institutions, especially the ones with programs regarding my field of study. Striving for a better education, I have come to the conclusion that the possibility of studying and graduating at one of the top universities in the USA may represent my lifetime’s opportunity in achieving the above mentioned goal. After carefully looking into the academic program and consulting the school’s advisors, I have decided to apply for a transfer to University of XXX. I have successfully passed the admission tests and stages, ultimately getting admitted into the Computer Science Degree program I am interested in.

I am deeply convinced that studying Computer Science in the country that has started it and best implemented it so far is a major advantage for the goal I have set for myself: to be able to invest the knowledge I achieve into building similar informational systems into my own country, and by doing this contributing to some extent to the very development process of Romania. I am also aware of the implications of studying in a different country for a period of time, but I am willing to do my best and my experience of studying for 6 months in Italy has proven that I have the resources to adapt and achieve performance even in a different system than the one I studied in the most. Also, during the times I have visited USA I managed to learn things about the culture and society that can help me through. I trust that my sociability, friendliness and common hobbies I share with other college students my age will also help me integrate.
Ultimately, I strongly believe that a school with great tradition and academic results such as UXX is an important road I am ready to follow in order to see myself one step closer to the goals I have set.


Yours faithfully,
XX