Upbringing

Question

How could I make this paragraph better? Identify all problems! I am a native Portuguese speaker.

For me, upbringing is the biggest treasure our parents can give us. My parents tried to bring me up according to the social and Christian values. They taught me how to be an ethical person. More than anything, I'm grateful for the patience they had when they taught me the path of good. Of course, my upbringing isn't complete. We must be aware that human beings are like rough diamonds that need to be stoned throughout their lives. We will never be ready, finished, done. However, I'm aware that the foundation of my upbringing has been given me and I also know that it is solid, very solid. So, if I make a mistake one day, I'll take the blame, not my parents.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I will try to show you how you could rewrite this to sound more native-speaking, then I will explain the choices I made below. (I teach ELD at the high school level, taught English in China for a summer, and have been teaching English in the classroom for 10 years. I am a ntaive speaker from the midwest USA.)

In my opinion, a solid upbringing is the greatest treasure parents can give. My parents strove to raise me according to social norms and Christian values. They taught me the value of ethics. Ultimately, I am grateful for their patience in instructing me in the path of righteousness. Of course, my upbringing is incomplete. We must be aware that human beings are like rough diamonds that need polishing throughout life. We will never be completely finished with this learning process. Furthermore, I am convinced that the foundation my parents gave me is very solid. [When?] If I make a mistake, I will be ready to take the blame.

Here's why:

Change "For me" to "In my opinion" because this transition sounds like it is atttached to the noun upbringing when it really is emphasizing your verb "is."

Remove "our" in sentence 1 because you do not share parents with your reader. By eliminating unnecessary pronouns, you can be clearer.

Change "tried" to the past tense version of "to strive". Tried implies that they made an attempt and failed. Also, your verbs in the paragraph overall need to be stronger.

Remove "the" before social and add "norms" because social is in an adjective form and needs a noun. (Also, I don't know what the social values would be.)

Change "ethical" to ethics because the adjective form usually refers to choices, not people. Don't confuse ethical with moral.

"More than anything" is fine and you could keep it, but "ultimately" is more formal and concise.

Avoid all contractions as a general rule.

Change "taught" to "instructing" to get rid of some wordiness and to avoid the repetition of using a form of "teach" too often.

"Path of good" is an unusual construction... might want to reword it?

Change "stoned" to "polished". Wrong usage. In English, "stoned" has taken on a connotation of drug use.

Choose one of the adjectives "ready/finished/done" but don't use all three. Clarify what you mean by the statement... finished with what? (Note: Finished usually refers to the completion of a task while done refers to the end of the cooking process. e.g., My homework is finished. The steak is done.)

Delete "However." You aren't really making a comparative statement here; you are continuing along the same theme and making an additional point.

The conditional statement at the end seems to imply that you've never made a mistake, so you might want to alter it to say "When" or simply remove the phrase "one day."

I hope that helps!

Upbringing

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