University Motiavion Need help please !

Would you be so kind to have a quick look at my letter? I have changed it a few times now.

Do you see any grammar mistakes? Is it to long (what should i leave out or put in)? What would you change?

Name university and program

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing this Letter regarding my application for the ………..University Program. In this letter I will inform you about the incentives which made me decide to apply for your program. Besides my motivations this Letter will also briefly inform you about former activities I have participated in.

I am a twenty two year old student from Germany currently graduating for my bachelor in Safety Management at the ….. University of Applied Sciences. I will finish graduating June 2010.

I have completed an Internship at ……... Because of the dangerous substances they work with and the fact that it is located in a living area they had to comply to the highest safety standards. The assignment involved setting up an advise report regarding crisis-, risk and business continuity management. I currently am graduating at ……….. which is an advise and engineer bureau, where I am researching the possibility to integrate different safety and security aspects into one product for large building projects.

I have also participated as a volunteer for a few Running events varying from setting up a crisis- and security management plan to acting as a traffic controller during these events. I have started actively participating in the linkedIN safety community about a year ago, and I currently manage(own) a group for german Safety Professionals with …. members where we discuss all kinds of security related subjects.

Besides my study /internships and volunteering experience I am actively following politics, mainly debates concerning the the current economic situation, immigration and Islam in the Netherlands. I believe I could be a valuable addition to your program since I have a good knowledge of present-day subjects and have the ability to acquire a lot of information from security experts in the field.

I am hoping to study the program your University is offering since I am interested in and very motivated to deepen my knowledge about safety management. I have chosen to apply for your program since I have always enjoyed England (I have visited for a course in English a few holidays and to visit a friend of the family) combined with the fact that the UK is considered leading in the security industry it looks like the perfect opportunity to gain some abroad experience.

If you require any further details or documents please contact me and I will send them. My curriculum vitae, grade book and references are added to this application.
I will send in my IELTS test results on a later date (test takes place .....). I hope to hear from you in the near future.

Yours Faithfully,

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