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Sanam Pasilova Posted 12 years ago
Grammar

University entrance essay. Deadline is coming, any help is appreciated.

Study Plan
At the end of my junior year at AAAA high school, I certainly understood that, I need to continue my studies abroad. Even all my AAAA teachers wanted (advised) me to study in a foreign country, convincing me that I have all opportunities to apply for international university and by assuring me that I am very capable person and can handle all the difficulties and adapt to new environment easily. At that time, I finally decided to apply for University of AAA. Almost two years ago, as I started to learn the AAA language and I thought I should grab this amazing chance to understand AAAA society, language, culture as well as their philosophy.
Accordingly to my future career plans, it would be an amazing privilege to be a student of AAA University as I am very keen on humanities and majoring AAAA as I have ability to work hard, sense of purpose, and all the experiences by gaining in lyceum led me to decide my future career in humanities, and this allowed me to study history, geography, literature, more deeply as well as other subjects. Additionally, I love to travel as I want to experience of the diverse peoples backgrounds and their cultures. It would be huge effect on my future career enhancing my world-view by communicating with multinational students of AAAA.
Since my country declared independence, a lot of things have changed but still there are some gaps in education system as many developing countries have. Up to the present time women were and still discriminated in societies. I think education for women is a vital especially for the future development of our country and for us to become equal in our societies. The opportunities like AAAA allows us to reach our goals.
The relationship between my country and AAAA is strengthening and one of spheres is educational exchange. Nowadays we host lots of AAAA students who learn AAA language, culture and traditions. Our nations are very similar in a way that education plays a big role in our societies. Educational exchange is very important when it comes to AAA and AAAA relations. AAAA government is supporting AAAA students with financial aid and giving them opportunity to study at one of the prestigious universities in AAAA. As in turn AAAA is one of them which hosts lots of AAAA students nowadays. Hearing from my friends about their educational experience at University of AAAA I understand that I made a right decision for my future.
In addition to this, my elder sister AAAA was accepted to the University of AAAAA and I got motivated by watching her deeply studying for her classes and she dedicated most of her time for studying. All the positive information that I have heard about AAAA and AAAAA universities and their education system from the internet was totally obvious and unambiguous. When I asked my sister about University Of AAAA the first thing she mentioned was how supportive and informative the department of AAA is and always willing to help students. Also, she enjoys a lot her lectures and tutorials, because all the materials are very interesting and all the professors are highly skilled experts in their fields. Moreover, the University AAA has more than 200 clubs, which is great opportunity for all students in their leisure time and they can participate in variety of extracurricular activities and events such as sports, extra lectures, international clubs, and seasonal festivals. By all means, there is no dull time in social life of students.

By talking about my educational background, to begin with throughout my high school years, I have always been an active person who loved to learn foreign languages, culture and traditional dances. I had a moderate dream to be a student of AAAA school. After being able to pass first serious competition in my life, I was sure that everything is possible. By having a ballet and piano classes was not enough, I still yearned for something new and even more exciting. In other words, during my middle school, I started to take different kind of dances such as AAAA, AAAA, and AAAA and AAAA and I started to understand their wonderful culture and diverse background of each country. At the age of 15 I was able to earn my first salary by performing in Public holiday AAAAA. Later being part of the professional dance group that called AAAA I learned for discipline, team work and to be responsible for everything I do. As a result, twice I performed at the biggest holiday in my country which is Independence Day, which is organized by Ministry of culture and sports of the AAAAA.
Of course as active person I have several hobbies such as painting, cooking and photography. Also, three times a week I started to visit AAAA library. In February AAA center organizing a great event introducing AAAA fashion and I am very excited to be a volunteer as I am taking part as dance performer. This year, I managed to pass AAAA the level N5. In next year, I am tending to get the higher level N3. One of my first attempts in photography was taking part in our lyceums holiday as a volunteer. Moreover, during my studies in AAAA school, one of the achievement that I was honored as a January student of the month in social studies at AAA High school and even I was pressed in newspaper AAAAA. By studying in different atmosphere I became consider myself as a flexible and open minded student. And I had chance to perform in one of our friends daughters school and teach little kids for some movements our AAAA traditional dance.
After finishing my freshman year, I focused my attention more on my major. I was accepted to AAAA. At that time I knew three foreign languages –AAAAA. However, it was not enough. In addition to this, I picked up AAAA language, because I was sure that I can accomplish another foreign language. By talking about my strengths and weaknesses, it is really important to know what I am good at and what I am weak in can help me to become better person. One of my personal strengths is I am an outgoing and imaginative person. I can communicate with anyone and I enjoy a lot talking with people. (Realizing) One of my weaknesses sides that, I am very critical of myself.
Last year, one of my dreams came true by travelling overseas to AAA and one of the memorable moments during the spring break, was travelling to our friends house to AAA State with my family.
Finally, I truly think that four years studying in AAAA University would be valuable that could teach me a lot and give me one of the best start-up platforms for future. What matters for me is now to grow and learn from my all experience and I truly believe that, I can do my best. I am sure that, my individual characteristics, such as responsibility, sense of purpose, good communication skills, and the ability to work both in a team and independently would help me to cope successfully with all assigned tasks and I am planning to be one of the active students, who are always ready to help with all kind of work and by taking part in all festivals. I believe that, AAAA University is the best place that gives great study opportunities, and it is wonderful country to live and enjoy studying.
  

Top answer

Hello Sanam; Your essay is very long, and I have picked a few paragraphs for comments. You do have good material, but you should devote more work to it. The first paragraph should be a summary of all your points, and each paragraph should elaborate one point.

  • Hello Sanam; Your essay is very long, and I have picked a few paragraphs for comments.
  • You do have good material, but you should devote more work to it.
  • The first paragraph should be a summary of all your points, and each paragraph should elaborate one point.
  • eg.
  • Something like this: I have the ambition to study at AAAA because I admire the culture of its home country, my teachers and elder sister have been supporting and encouraging me, and I have years of preparation for a great learning experience in a foreign country.
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15 Answers
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Hello Sanam;

Your essay is very long, and I have picked a few paragraphs for comments. You do have good material, but you should devote more work to it.
The first paragraph should be a summary of all your points, and each paragraph should elaborate one point.
eg. Something like this: I have the ambition to study at AAAA because I admire the culture of its home country, my te
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Thank you very much for your valuable help! Could you check again please? Study PlanThank you very much for your help! Could you check again please?I have the ambition to study at AAAA because I admire the culture of its home country, my teachers and elder sister have been supporting and encouraging me, and I have years of preparation for a great learning experience in a foreign country. In addi
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Sanam Pasilova:

Thank you very much for your valuable help! Could you check again please?

Study Plan

I have the ambition to study at AAAA because I admire the culture of its home country, my teachers and elder sister have been supporting and encouraging me, and I have years of preparation for a great learning experience in a fo
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Here are more suggestions. You can still improve the logical flow and sequence of the paragraphs.

I have the ambition to study at AAAA because I admire the culture of its home country, my teachers and elder sister have been supporting and encouraging me, and I have years of preparation for a great learning experience in a foreign country. In addition, I want to set an example for the high
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Thank you so much for the fast replies. You are really helping me a lot!!! I will try to improve the logical flow.
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Financial study plan. Could you check it please? ( urgent)

Since the University of AAAA provides different kinds of scholarships for AAA students. I am originally from a big family and due to the economic situation I can study at AAA University, if only I will be able to get scholarship. By seeing my sisters experience, it helped me to learn more about education and financial situation of
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Since The University of AAAA provides different kinds of scholarships for AAA students. I am originally from a big family and due to my the economic situation I can study at AAA University, (no comma) only if only I will be able to get a scholarship. By Seeing my sister's experience, it helped me to le
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Thank you so much again!!! What do you think should i write more detailed?
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You might ask what you can do to qualify for a scholarship. There are usually strict requirements and conditions to qualify for a scholarship (where someone else is paying for your education). It is not luck, but being more qualified than all the other applicants. Every university and source of funding is different.
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I will have to work on it. Thanks again!

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