University College Utrecht - Help with letter of motivation!

Hey,

I'm applying to the social science bachelor program, and I would like to know if my letter of motivation is any good. My main concerns are whether it's too long, and whether it's too focused.

Thanks for any opinions!

Elinor Dixon
Talmastraat 19 A
3038 AG Rotterdam
UNIVERSITY COLLEGE UTRECHT
Faculty: Academic Core, Humanities, Science, Social Science

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am an Australian and British student called Elinor Dixon, and I graduated last year from Vientiane International School in the Lao PDR. One day I hope to become a part of the United Nations, work for a Human Rights organisation, or start my own Non-Governmental Organisation in Mainland Southeast Asia. I see this as a sort of vocation for me, as I have lived in Third World countries since I was eight years old, and having seen the conditions in remote villages in Asia first hand, I feel motivated to try and make a difference there. The Bachelor of Social Sciences program at the University College of Utrecht would enable me to make the most of the opportunities I have been given, and help me to achieve these goals, while at the same time maintaining the international environment I am accustomed to and love. This program would also maintain a healthy balance in my life, as it would also allow me to study other things I am interested in such as the performing arts.
I was born in Australia, although I attended French schools until I turned fourteen. My mother works for AusAid, an Australian Governmental aid agency, and as such her job has taken my family to Southeast Asia twice; once to Cambodia for three years when I was eight to ten years old, and once to The Lao PDR for three years when I was fourteen to seventeen years old. I am consequently accustomed to an international environment. I have grown up in contact with other cultures, religions and languages, and have thusly become very open minded about people and their differences, and have learned to see things without prejudice. Such an environment is very important to me, because I like to have a worldly perspective on things. Living and work with people my age of nationalities different from my own makes this possible. The diverse student population and global atmosphere is one of the main reasons I have chosen to apply to the University College Utrecht. The other reason is academic: for the wide range of courses available within the Bachelor of Social Sciences.
It was when living and travelling around Asia for the second time that I decided I wanted to follow in my mother’s footsteps and work in Development. I accompanied her on a few work trips, watching as teams of people navigated fields and rice paddies, searching for landmines with the help of metal detectors, and my mother’s colleagues treated various injured and disabled villagers for things such as cataracts and foot deformations in the local villages. It struck me how terrible living conditions in remote areas can be, and how oblivious most of the world is to issues like the ones I was exposed to. During my years in the Lao PDR I learned about much more, and tried to become as involved as possible. For instance, I went on two Service trips with my school in order to volunteer in remote villages in the South, building latrines, painting schools and teaching the locals about effective irrigation systems with the help of Village Focus International. On one of the trips, we visited a rehabilitation centre for girls who had been trafficked and sexually abused. This had a huge impression on me, and this was when I truly developed my passion for human rights, and my desire to make a difference. I believe that it takes much more than mere fundraising in order to do this, which is why I want to eventually set up and NGO and work in the field, with a hands-on job. However, I do support the idea of raising funds. As president of the Student Council, I had massive influence on the population of my school, and led the organisation of our Annual Charity Gala in 2010, in order to raise money for the YAAT (Youth Action Against Trafficking), a local student-run organisation that bought supplies for villagers.
Having lived overseas and seen first-hand the issues that the Third World struggles with, I feel obliged and of course inspired to do whatever I can to change things. I know that just by spending time with the people affected can make a huge difference in its own way. For example, during one of my Service trips to villages in the South of Laos, I bought paper and crayons from a town and sat in the village schoolhouse, drawing pictures of houses and people for the children to copy and show them how to draw. I had a great time, but my Lao friend told me later that the adults had been telling the children to “listen to teacher”, referring to me. This was a huge leap for the village, as there was before much segregation towards the women, and women were not respected or treated as equals. Just by spending time with the villagers, I allowed them to see me, a woman, in a position of authority, which in itself was a huge achievement and something I am proud of to date. I have seen how simple and yet rewarding it is to make a change in someone’s life, and I feel that throughout my life, if I manage to improve the lives of people in even just one village, I will have done something worthwhile.
I plan on making a difference in the world, and I believe that the Bachelor of Social Sciences program at UCU is the best way for me to start out. But as well as providing me with the tools and knowledge to pursue my goals, I hope that the University College will also allow me to have fun. I love performing in plays and singing concerts, and have always enjoyed playing sports, such as basketball, netball, volleyball and swimming. I consider myself to be very well rounded, and always heavily involved in school life. At my previous schools I have captained sports teams, been in choirs and musicals, and led the Student Council and school houses. I believe that UCU is the perfect place for me to keep this up. I have done a lot of research about the facilities and activities available, and would love to play a big role in the campus life, all the while studying diligently to achieve my bachelor.
I was given a great opportunity when my mother moved my family to Cambodia and the Lao PDR. I was given a rare insight for someone my age into the lives and the living conditions of people in Third World Countries, and it would be a shame for this knowledge and the resultant motivation to go to waste. With the help of UCU, I hope to become an active defender of Human Rights and a qualified worker in development, perhaps with AusAid, and most likely based in Mainland Southeast Asia.
Thank you very much for considering my application to the Bachelor of Social Sciences program at University College Utrecht for the Fall of 2012.
Yours faithfully,
Elinor Dixon