Unfinished Poem....

Question

I was mumbling about you
In my sleep
I took to fleet
When I awoke
To find you there...
Where I had left you-
Unfinished-unsung-unamed
On the fluttering leaf
With the weight of the inkpot
And a feather in it
Bearing down on you....
I walked-stopped-stood still
Some moments it took
To realize that
It was my soul here
My body was still
From ages ago
Under the stone over there...
Now the poem is left behind
With no style-no verse-no ending.

Anita_a · Accepted Answer

Mr.P would u like to comment on this poem.... it is something I tried differently....

HePo · Answer

It has the skin and bones of a poem, but it needs a lot more work.

HePo

Anita_a · Answer

Would appreciate if u could help in turning it into a 'poem'. Could we have the pleasure to see u post your poems for us?

HePo · Answer

I apologise for not answering sooner. I've just discovered that all replies have ended up in my junk mail folder!

I'll study the poem and add further comments shortly.

I'll be back.

HePo

Anita_a · Answer

Thanks hepo... am waiting....

HePo · Answer

Anita,

Here's some general comments to help you.

'I was mumbling about you
In my sleep'

'Mumbling' is not the best connotation as an opening. Using the word 'you' makes the poem personal, but for whom? The reader or lover? How about, as an opening:

On the page of a dream I talked to him/you/her

'I took to fleet
When I awoke
to find you there...'

The word 'fleet' [which means swift of foot] is disjointed as are the line breaks. Where is 'there...' You have neither set the scene nor built any image for the reader to cling to.

The '...' is not needed as the next sentence follows on. If you wish the reader to pause, then use the_

If we unravel the whole sentence, a piece of string as it were, and place them in a single line so that punctuation and word shuffle become glaringly obvious:

'I was mumbling about you in my sleep I took to fleet when I awoke to find you there... '

Although line breaks assist with assonance and rhyme, to name but a few, and are a substitute in some cases for punctuation, they are best used by the writer for adding his/her voice.

In regards to 'turning it into a poem' as you say, it already is. To make it better takes time, dedication and patience all of which I'm confident you have.

HePo

Anita_a · Answer

I beg to differ!! Hepo, the 'you' in the poem is the 'poem' not a person. Please read the poem again. It is personification.And regarding the punctuation... I don't see anything wrong and like I said it is something I tried anew.Well, I believe free verse doesn't need assonance, resonance or rhyme and rhtym to break lines... And any poem has the charm only as long as it is not drafted but written spontaneously and only once!Sorry for that.

MrPedantic · Answer

Hello Anita

You're right, it is a different style, especially in its rhythm. I think it works well.

I was mumbling about you
In my sleep
I took to fleet
[This line I don't quite get: 'fleet' as in – ? Though I think it would be fine if you went straight from 'In my sleep' to 'When I awoke'.]

When I awoke
To find you there...
Where I had left you-
Unfinished-unsung-unamed
[I'm not sure you need the three dots or dash; enjambement would work well here. 'there/Where I had left you/Unfinished'. But I like the hyphenated string. 'Unamed' > 'unnamed'. (I'm reading them as hyphens, but it occurs to me now they might be dashes.)]

On the fluttering leaf
With the weight of the inkpot
And a feather in it
Bearing down on you....
I walked-stopped-stood still
[Here I think the 3 dots are fine. These 5 lines I like a lot. The hyphenated line works well again.]

Some moments it took
To realize that
[The 'that' slows it down a little here. Maybe 'To realize/It was'?]

It was my soul here
[I'm not sure about 'my soul': does it make it too explicit? The poem works mainly by suggestion.]

My body was still
From ages ago
Under the stone over there...
Now the poem is left behind
With no style-no verse-no ending.
[Again, I wonder whether 'Now the poem is left behind' is too explicit. The 'stone' I like: with the inkpot and quill, it could be a paperweight, or the pumice stone used to smoothe a piece of special writing paper; but also 'stone' as in 'tombstone'. And the hyphenated line again adds a strange note.]

This poem has a very distinctive note. I think it's well worth pursuing, Anita!

MrP

Anita_a · Answer

When I awoke
I found you there...
Where I had left you-
Unfinished-unsung-unamed
On the fluttering leaf
With the weight of the inkpot
And a feather in it
Bearing down on you....
I walked-stopped-stood still
Some moments it took
To realize it was
Only my thoughts here
My body was still
From ages ago
Under the stone over there...
Now you are left behind
With no style-no verse-no ending

well, how's that now?

Thanks Mr.P, I appreciate your encouragement and the wonderful critique in you.

MrPedantic · Answer

I think that's good!

I myself would have kept the first 2 lines. I would politely disagree with HePo, and say that the initial confusion about the 'addressee' works in the poem's favour.

Moreover, there's an interesting aspect to 'mumbling': the speaker is 'mumbling about' the poem, but also perhaps 'mumbling' the poem itself. It gives a sense that the poem we have just read is the poem under the inkpot.

A possible alternative:

'Some moments it took
To realize
It was only a thought –
My body was still etc'

But that's only an IMHO.

See you
MrP

Unfinished Poem....

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