Two paragraphs: Fix all errors please!

Question

Personality ChangesTolerating abusive behavior (from her husband) over a long period of time made my aunt a docile woman. When I met her a few months ago, I was shocked to notice the changes in her personality. She no longer expressed herself, and just did what others asked of her. It was disappointing that her parents were not ready to help her get out of this situation, as that could lead to a divorce, which is still a taboo in the society I come from. Horses have personalitiesHorses have personalities. I experienced this when I started to take horseback riding lessons. For the first 2 lessons, I rode Bella. She is an old mare, has a very stable temper and is not gaited. At times, it was challenging to make her follow my instructions (which were not very accurate), but she was willing to work with a beginner. For my 3rd lesson, I rode Sugar. She is a young gaited mare. I could tell she liked her riders accurate, and would not work with beginners. Once she had figured out, she can be my boss; I struggled to keep the reins in my hand. She constantly tried to pull them away from my hands. I did not enjoy riding her, as we were just fighting to take control.

Free_spirit · Accepted Answer

engismy2ndlangPersonality Changes

Tolerating abusive behavior (from her husband) over a long period of time made my aunt a docile woman. When I met her a few months ago, I was shocked to notice the changes in her personality. She no longer expressed herself, and just did what others asked of her. It was disappointing that her parents were not ready to help her get out of this situation, as that could lead to a divorce, which is still a taboo in the society I come from.

To me, the first one has no real problems. It does read as being very formal. One point, writing sentences in the subject (actor) + verb + object (that which is acted upon) format can make for very clear writing. Joseph M. Williams covers this extensively in his book Style: Lessons in Clarity and Grace - this book is worth buying, reading, and practicing the exercises.

You could rewrite the first sentence in a way such as:

My aunt [subject] became [verb] a very docile woman [object] because [conjuction] she [subject - refers back to "my aunt"] tolerated [verb] her husband's abusive behavior [object] over a long period of time [last part simply gives a duration, which is great for clarification].

So just to be clear, the way you have written is not incorrect. I just thought I would take the opportunity to point out a particular style that I believe is good for clearly communicating ideas. However, alternative sentences to contain active and passive structures is also a good idea for adult audiences.
engismy2ndlangHorses have personalities

Horses have personalities.

I experienced this when I started to take horseback riding lessons. For the first 2 lessons, I rode Bella. She is an old mare, has a very stable temper and is not gaited. At times, it was challenging to make her follow my instructions (which were not very accurate), but she was willing to work with a beginner. For my 3rd lesson, I rode Sugar. She is a young gaited mare. I could tell she liked her riders accurate, and would not work with beginners. Once she had figured out, she can be my boss; I struggled to keep the reins in my hand. She constantly tried to pull them away from my hands. I did not enjoy riding her, as we were just fighting to take control.

Again, this is very good writing. As feedback, I suggest the following things (suggestions in italic):

1. The first sentence refers to the heading (and should be obvious to most readers). However, for clarity, I would include the concept into the sentence instead of the word "this". Also, I would change "started to take" to "taking" as it reads 'better' to me, and makes it more active:

I experienced the different personalities of horses when I started taking horseback riding lessons.

2. The third sentence could have a small change, removing the comma and adding that.:

She is an old mare that has a very stable temper and is not gaited.

If it was a person you would use "who" instead of "that" (e.g. She is an old woman who has a very stable temper.)

3. The fourth sentence could have a subject made more explicit than using "it", and would make it active voice.

At times, I found it challenging to make her follow my instructions...

4. Fifth sentence, if this is formal writing you are general best to write numbers one to ten, and ranking (first, second, third, etc), in full:

For my third lesson, I rode Sugar.

5. Seventh sentence, I initially misread the "riders accurate" as possessive (even though you haven't used "rider's"), and thought it could be made a little clearer:

I could tell she liked her riders to be accurate...

Here you are saying that she likes her riders to have a state/condition of "accuuracy".

6. Eighth sentence. I find this one to be a little awkward. Some 'authorities' on grammar don't like the usage of semicolons, and your usage her is not the best usage of English. I like using semicolons when I get the opportunity, but in this case it just doesn't seem to flow; consider the following instead:

Once she had figured out that she could be my boss, I struggled to keep the reins in my hand.

or better still (verb tenses match a little better - I hope!):

Once she figured out that she could be my boss, I struggled to keep the reins in my hand.

A basic 'rule' with the comma is to see if the sentence could be switched around and still make sense and have the same meaning:

I struggled to keep the reins in my hands once she figured out that she could be my boss.

7. Final sentence. Ok, this one is a unclear, and needs re-writing. In context I understand what you mean (I think!) but itis not clear. The part that says "we were just fighting to take control" makes it sound as though you are both fighting together for a shared goal, rather than struggling and fighting against each other. Consider something like:

I did not enjoy riding her, as we were constantly fighting each other for control.

This now fits with the context of the previous sentence where you struggled to keep the reins in your hands.

I hope this helps. Your writing is very good, and even for native English speakers there is always room to improve clarity and develop style!

Engismy2ndlang · Answer

Thanks a million. This is excellent. I appreciate the time you took to review this. [Y]

I will read this a few times to internalize the rules.

Two paragraphs: Fix all errors please!

Top answer

Get the Weekly English Kit 📬

Related Questions