TOPIC: CRIME

Question

Hello teachers, please check these essays in the IELTS test for me. Thank you for your help &lt;3---In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes?My essay:The rise in crime nowadays becomes one of the most severe issues of each country. To solve this problem, we need practical solutions and an in-depth analysis of the current circumstance.Several reasons cause the continuous increase of crime in the world. The first important one is the incomplete education program in these countries. In particular, children do not have a chance to raise awareness through simple lessons about rules and regulations. Furthermore, parents are busy with work and personal relationships, preventing them from taking care of their children at home. As a result, they could not distinguish between right and wrong when becoming teenagers or adults. Another thing is that the current prison sentences for criminals, especially the serious ones such as murder or arson, are relatively short. These offenders could not have enough time to reflect on themselves and usually tend to repeat an offence when released from prison. Hence, the combination of new criminals and reoffenders leads to an increase in crime in each country.To deal with these problems, education at a very young age should be considered. They need to be involved in simple and practical lessons about crime, which provide the basic information related to laws and regulations in their nation. It could make children effortlessly distinguish between right and wrong. Moreover, parents should set a good example of law-abiding citizens and spend their valuable time educating their children. Besides, longer prison sentences with the support of vocational training and psychological advice should be imposed to decrease crime drastically. Offenders would have no intention to relapse into criminal behaviors when released from prison, rehabilitate and have a stable job in the future. These solutions, thus, would positively affect the current problem.In conclusion, education from teachers and parents plays an essential role in the criminal rise in society. Only through lessons at a young age and longer sentences, all countries could fight against this insurgence.---Again, thank you for reading this essay.

AlpheccaStars · Accepted Answer

Vu Le To solve this problem, we need practical solutions and an in-depth analysis of the current circumstance.

Is that going to be your essay argument? This is the answer of your thesis statement.

Each country must set up a commission to investigate the crimes and gather statistics. Then they have to hire sociologies who are expert in criminal activity. They will go into the community and do interviews of the victims and also interview the perpetrators.

AlpheccaStars · Answer

The rise in crime ~~nowadays~~ ~~becomes~~ is one of the most severe issues in each country. To solve this problem, we need practical solutions and an in-depth analysis of the current circumstance.

Your essay paragraphs do not match your thesis statement. The reader is confused.

This is a thesis statement:

One of the principle causes is poor education, which does not cover the country's legal system. And there is a fairly simple remedy, comprehensive lessons on what is right and what is wrong.

Several reasons cause the continuous increase of crime in the world. The first important one is the incomplete education program in these countries. In particular, children do not have a chance to learn ~~raise awareness through simple lessons~~ about rules and regulations through simple lessons. Furthermore, parents are busy with work and personal relationships, preventing them from taking care of their children at home. As a result, they ~~could~~ are not able to distinguish between right and wrong when becoming teenagers or adults. Another thing is that the current prison sentences for criminals, especially the serious ones such as murder or arson, are relatively short. These offenders could not have enough time to reflect on their crimes ~~themselves~~ and usually tend to repeat an offence when released from prison. Hence, the combination of new criminals and reoffenders leads to an increase in crime ~~in each country.~~

To deal with these problems, education at a very young age should be considered. Pupils need to be involved in simple and practical lessons about crime, which provide the basic information related to laws and regulations in their nation. It could make them ~~children~~ effortlessly distinguish between right and wrong when they become juveniles. Moreover, parents should set a good example of law-abiding citizens and spend their valuable time educating their children. Besides, longer prison sentences with the support of vocational training and psychological advice should be imposed to further decrease crime ~~drastically~~. Offenders would have no intention to relapse into criminal behaviors when released from prison. They would be rehabilitated and have a stable job in the future. These solutions, thus, would ameliorate ~~positively affect~~ the current problem.

In conclusion, education from teachers and parents plays an essential role in the criminal rise in society. Only through lessons at a young age and longer sentences, could all countries ~~could~~ fight against it. ~~this insurgence.~~

You referred to young students, so you can use "pupils"

TOPIC: CRIME

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