Topic 70

Question

Please have a look at the following TOEFL essays which I've written. I would appreciate it if you could provide comments and suggestions to help me improve my essay writing skills.

(Some people think that the automobile has improved modern life. Others think that the automobile has caused serious problems. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.)

People has been inseparable since the innovation of automobiles were created in Detroit in 1913. Automobiles actually bring great impacts on human beings. As far as I concerned, automobile has not enhanced our modern life.

To begin with, the obvious benefit which automobiles provide is mobility and flexibility. Cars have abridged the travel time among distant locations, allowing more goods and products to reach remote areas. Compared to the period of none automobiles, we have limited abilities to transport products to distant areas. Moreover, the price of products is cheaper than before because of development of transportation, which lesson many costs on merchandise. Clearly, automobiles brings a positive effect for us.

On the other side of the fence, automobiles contributed to aggravating environmental conflicts. Cars and vehicles emit toxic gases such as carbon dioxide, methane and carbon monoxide, which seriously threat our environment. Greenhouse effect, the decreasing ozone layers and acidic rains results from our cars’ emission. The temperature of the earth would increase because of the green gas, endangering the extinction animals like the polar bear. Therefore, automobiles gives us a potential threat in our lives.

Last but not least, the other problem is car accident. Before automobiles created, we had not ever heard car accidents. Nowadays, we need to confront this problem owning to driving cars for work. Some drivers have bad driving habits. They do not obey the traffic rules, which would enhances the possibility of car accidents. Car accidents would take drivers’ lives away. The increasing casualties of car accidents is also the negative factor to be concerned.

We can conclude that even though automobiles reduce the costs and times on transporting products, we need to face the truth which would be worse for our daily life. Environmental conflicts and traffic accidents should be considered. Therefore, I am convinced that the disadvantages of the automobiles outweigh its advantages.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

contiluoPeople has been

People have been

contiluoinseparable since the innovation of automobiles were created in Detroit in 1913

That's awkward. You could have: inseparable since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913; or, inseparable since automobiles were created in Detroit in 1913.

contiluoAutomobiles actually bring great impacts on human beings.

Automobiles actually have great impacts on human beings.

contiluoAs far as I concerned, automobile has not enhanced our modern life.

As far as I am concerned, automobiles have not enhanced our modern lives.

Contiluo · Answer

The first sentence, "People have been inseparable since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913,"
Would it better if it is rewritten as follows.

1. People have been inseparable from cars since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913.
2. People have been heavily reliant on cars since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913.

Anonymous · Answer

contiluoThe first sentence, "People have been inseparable since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913," Would it better if it is rewritten as follows.1. People have been inseparable from cars since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913.

Not better, but, it is another possible way of expressing it. It needs some correction. It would be better as: People have been inseparable from cars since their invention (or, since the invention of them) in Detroit, in 1913.

contiluo2. People have been heavily reliant on cars since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913.

This is also possible, but, it needs some correction. It would be better as: People have been heavily reliant on cars since their invention (or, since the invention of them) in Detroit in 1913.

Both sentences give a different meaning from the first. That's because "People have been inseparable since the invention of automobiles in Detroit in 1913," gives the impression that you are saying that people have been inseparable from each other. 1 and 2 give the impression that you are saying that people have been inseparable from cars.

Anonymous · Answer

The word "automobile" is a strange choice for your text. It's old-fashioned and not common in the everyday speech and writing of many native speakers. It might be more common in some technical contexts, like the car industry. It's better to use the word car, in general.

You have also used "automobile" a lot and it has therefore, become repetitive. You should rewrite the text so that you vary how you refer to those vehicles. You could do so by writing lines such as: Others think that they have caused serious problems. and, As far as I am concerned, they have not enhanced our modern lives. Another way of doing it would be to use the word car, more often.

Anonymous · Answer

contiluoCars have abridged

This is an odd choice of word. It's not, normally used in that way and is therefore, unnatural. It would be better to replace it with shortened.

contiluo~~the~~ travel time among distant locations,

travelling times between distant locations,

contiluoCompared to the period of none automobiles,

This is awkward. It would be better as: Compared to the period before motor vehicles,

contiluowe have limited abilities to transport products to distant areas.

we have more abilities to transport products to distant areas.

contiluoMoreover, the price of products is cheaper than before because of development of transportation,

Moreover, the price of products is cheaper than before because of the development of motorised or powered transportation, (transportation in the USA, transport in the UK http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/transport )

contiluowhich lesson many costs on merchandise.

which lessens many costs of merchandise.

contiluoClearly, automobiles brings a positive effect for us.

Clearly, automobiles have positive effects on us.

Contiluo · Answer

I'm afraid that in the last sentence of paragraph 1,  " As far as I am concerned, automobile has not enhanced our modern life," is not a good sentence to correspond with the following paragraphs.  What is a better expression?

Anonymous · Answer

contiluoI'm afraid that in the last sentence of paragraph 1, " As far as I am concerned, automobile has not enhanced our modern life," is not a good sentence to correspond with the following paragraphs. What is a better expression?

As far as I am concerned, automobiles have not enhanced our modern lives. That's if you must use the word "automobiles". The word cars, would be more natural and common.

Contiluo · Answer

I have rewritten the essay as follows. Please give me a correction. Thanks!

People have heavily relied on cars since the invention of them in Detroit in 1913. Automobiles actually have great impacts on human beings. As far as I am concerned, cars have not enhanced our modern lives.

To begin with, the obvious benefits which automobiles provide are mobility and flexibility. Cars have shortened the traveling times between distant locations, allowing more goods and products to reach remote areas. Compared to the period before motor vehicles, we have more abilities to transport products to distant areas. Moreover, the price of products is lower than before because of the development of motorized or powered transportation, which lesson many costs of merchandise. Clearly, automobiles have positive effects on us.

However, there are also plenty of disadvantages which cars provide. For one thing, the environmental impact of cars is becoming more evident. They are a major contributor to air pollution, climate change and the depletion of natural resources like fossil fuels. They not only pollute the air but also cause traffic jams. For another thing, the exhaust fumes produced by cars can blanket the cities in smog. They emit toxic gases such as carbon dioxide, methane and carbon monoxide, which seriously threat our environment. Greenhouse effect, the decreasing ozone layers and acidic rains result largely from our cars’ emission. The temperature of the earth would increase owing to the greenhouse effect, causing the extinction of endangered animals like the polar bear. Therefore, cars give us a potential threat in our lives.

Last but not least, we need to take car accidents into account. Anywhere cars are used, there's an obvious increase in the risk of traffic accidents. The greater the number of vehicles, the greater the chances are of an accident occurring. The increasing casualties of car accidents is also the negative factor to be concerned.

In conclusion, even though cars bring us comfortable and convenience, we need to face the facts that they are making increasing pernicious gases to our daily lives, deteriorating our living environment. Therefore, I am convinced that the disadvantages of the cars outweigh its advantages.

Anonymous · Answer

contiluoI have rewritten the essay as follows. Please give me a correction. Thanks!

As mentioned in a previous reply, you have used "automobile" a lot and it has therefore, become repetitive. The same is true of the word "car". You should vary how you refer to such vehicles. You could do so by occasionally using the word they.

contiluoTo begin with, the obvious benefits which automobiles provide are mobility and flexibility.

To begin with, the obvious benefits which they provide are mobility and flexibility.

contiluoMoreover, the price of products is lower

Moreover, the prices of products are lower

contiluothan before because of the development of motorized or powered transportation,

The yellow parts mean the same thing so, you should choose one or the other. It doesn't matter which. You could write: than before because of the development of motorised transportation; or, than before because of the development of powered transportation.

contiluowhich lesson many costs of merchandise.

which lessens many costs of merchandise.

Anonymous · Answer

contiluoFor one thing, the environmental impact of cars is becoming more evident.

The use of "cars" here, is also repetitive. You could use the word their and rewrite it as: For one thing, their environmental impact is becoming more evident.

contiluoFor another thing, the exhaust fumes produced by cars can blanket ~~the~~ cities in smog.

For another thing, the exhaust fumes produced by cars can blanket cities in smog. You don't need "the" before "cities", unless you are referring to particular cities.

contiluowhich seriously threat our environment.

which seriously threaten our environment.

contiluoGreenhouse effect, the decreasing ozone layers and acidic rains result largely from our cars’ emission.

The greenhouse effect (see the first line of the article here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greenhouse_effect ), the decreasing ozone layer (see the first line of the article here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ozone_layer ) and acid rain result largely from motor vehicles’ (not just from cars, but, motor vehicles in general) emissions, including those of cars.

contiluoTherefore, cars give us a potential threat in our lives.

Therefore, cars pose (or are, you can choose either word here) a potential threat to our lives and world. Your line about the threat to endangered animals like the polar bear makes it clear that motor vehicles' emissions are a threat to more than just human lives.

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